i feel like shit right now.. ugh.. my body feels like shaking and my chest hurts like not my heart but something around it in which i have no idea what other organs are up that high but whatever it is it hurts and doesnt feel right.. i feel like crap also because im sick of dealing with myself i havent felt good for a while like good but not what i want to feel.. i want to be grand i think the last time that i had the best of time and was myself was with erica last time in superior.. i think its cuz its one moment thats in my head at the moment.. i also remember being a big scaredy cat that night lol.. i remember that i was not good when i was at home at that time.. like i had stupid problems but when i was with her i could be whoever and whatever and i remember going out at like 12 at night thinking we were getting jewlery stuff which we intend every time were together but then when we get there were like nah this is stupid what a waste of money and last time instead we bought like energy drinks and smoothies and ugh it was just so much fun i love being with her.. i remember when we went out i had my license so i could officially drive wherever and so she let me drive us to walmart and i remember looking like crap and i actually wore my glasses in public.. and i wore my pjs and we were just goin crazy around the store findin what we wanted.. i remember being extremely tired.. but the best part of all i remember not having any feeling but love.. in which i shared for my sister and the great time we were havin.. GOD i would die for that feeling back.. its not the same when she comes here theres nothing to show her when shes here cuz of course she lived here once too.. but when im there its like amazing fun cuz she can show us many things.. we also went hot tubbing haha that was funny.. i hate swimming suits but we didnt care what we looked like because it was just us and mom and who cares who seen us.. we werent ever gonna see them again.. uh it was soo much fun.. i remember i had to run down the halls to go pee because i was afraid of rapists and i remember when i went to sleep i faced the wall because i was afraid of the exorcism and dorm rooms and stuff.. but i also relized i was safe with my sister... in which i know shes there for me and loves me.. and ugh i love her so much.. i cant wait till she comes home.. but yes that is my good memory i had to share.. today started out like shit i got up a little late.. extremely tired and then i got ready then i was like closing the pocket door and i hurt my finger.. then i was like needing to leave but mom had to get things out of car and i had to wipe frost off of the windows so i leave the driveway at like 7.53 and then im like goin down trott and like i get like right next to lincoln and i could not see out of my window i was pretty lucky .. i like had to turn cuz if i went straight i was afraid id hit a little kid like i literally could not see well turning wouldnt have been a great idea either cuz i could not tell if there were any on coming cars so i just went and luckily no one hit me and i hit no one and ugh this morning sucked and i got in school at probably 8.03 or so but it dont matter cuz i had band first in which i sat alone and talked to no one cuz casey was not there so i couldnt even pretend that i was having a good day so far.. then i went to choir and watched the phantom and well watched that no need for talking.. except i did talk to daniel cuz shes awesome.. well then i went to the commons in which my day started turning around a bit.. but i cant forget what happened this morning and that i couldve died just cuz of the fucking sun.. oh and then at golf mottinger made me feel stupid cuz i have to leave early for voice lessons torrow and were goin to the course and were suppose to play the course but i cant cuz were teeing off at like 3.50 which would be pointless id barely get the first hole done.. ok so maybe two.. but still pointless! i want a better day. but not everyone gets what they want.. but a better day doesnt mean anything because that doesnt make the next day be an official good one.. so i guess.. i need a better attitude.. and at the moment i need to get rid of the headache that i have now taken on and gotten rid of the chest pain.. ill be waiting.