Okay so my boyfriend Hayden came over and mw and Age (his sister) watched a movie called Darkness. which sacars the living shit out of me at times. anyways but ya we are always really efectionate when we're watching movies... like im always playing with his hair and he is always holding my hand or stuff like that. So we were sitting there and he kept hugging me like he wanted me like i was actually wanted. (now i know what your thinking "WTF? of course your loved by people, dosn't your mom and dad care? yes they shure do! so stop saying no one does when they do!!!") well of course i know i am but i haven't felt like that in such a long time and it feels so good. i mean me and my mom haven't been as close as we ushually are, for reasons such as: court missing children both haveing boyfriends moveing on with our lives her worrying me finding solutions to problems ya thats pritty much in random order with alot behind it. And this world... oh god, if there is a god or a heven please help. a few nights ago i thought one of my bestfriends since Kindergarden was going to fall off the edge... and THAT wasn't the part that scared me, it was the fact that i wouldn't be there to give her a hand to catch. it was the ofull truth that i couldn't comfort her and let her cry on me or ANYTHING!!! most of you have NO idea what thats like. :( i just responded to her e-mail and she is doing a little better. and i got my cell phone its green and a Telus LG. its sexxy. and i did alot of back-to-school-shopping and teh rest of my money goes to my electric guitar and the Thrift Store. cuz that place rules. and me and Chantel (my cuzin) were goign on teh bus's so we could get to the mall and buy my cell phone and we got on the rong bus and found our way into Kengsington (where my dad lives)so we got off and i dragged my cuzin a block and we made our way to his house and managed to get a ride. he was happy to see both of us. and i still haven't told him about Hayden. oh well. yup and when we were getting on the rong bus we bought a 6-pack of raspberry water and aome fuit and had a picknick. it was soo much fun. MORGAN CMAE OVER!!! i was soo happy when Morgan came down. it was so nice to have her here. she might come doen this weekend and bring a few friends for the party. so that should be fun. jeez! i haven't been able to write in this thing for ages! okay so Hayden asked me today "so when can i let go and not hold... back anymore?" meaning i think he's tierd of not jumping into stuff like the rest of his girlfriends did. well im sorry that im not one of them but i just... think that it isn't the right time in my life for a relationship but im still giveing it a shot and no one knows that. i don't want to lose him. im listing to Interlude by My Chemical Romance (my fav band) it's so soothing. anyways so i don't know... it dosn't feel right. i don't wanna rush into anything when i always did before. like im always afraid to kiss him even because i don't know what he'll think of me. i don't want him to think badly of me. and i know that if we brake up ( and he's the one who's doing it so im kinda stuck) we'll pretend that nothing happend and we will once again become friends. so for now i am getting a little better with it. the problem is, is that Hayden dosn't take control of what he wants. like if he wants to kiss me then he won't lean in and do it weather i am really ready for it or not... hell just wait. and he's so jental with me cuz he dosn't want to hurt me, and he isn't very agressive. and i have this weird thing that i like agrestion. and i LOVE kissing and biteing at the same time. but no he won't really do any of that. im thinking of giving him pramition to go kinda crazy.... and see what happens. this is still new to me. and its going so fast but to slow at the same time. it's hard and strange. im not so atatched to my friends and im not reading people as carefully as i was. (...wide eye jockers got you in their sight.) sorry for that burst of song. well i have to go to sleep cuz im soooo tierd and i have to work tomarrow. Later Days! *~Ashley~*