So i doubt this will actually enter since i've tries doing two other diarys.... anyways so there is this boy and i really do like him.... but sadly as always i am fucked up. we started making out and eventually had sex... now this might not seem like such a bad thing for most peopel but it is.... teh problem is is that im stupid.... and i dont mean it in a,., oh hell.... im just dumb. you see it was completly my fualt and now from letting him see my diary, and sending mixed messages (as i do with everyone) i have sompletly fucked up. im okay though... or at leats i will be because that is the bassist of my life. that is how i live day after day. holding no regrets because something that once made you happy yyou should never regret. however having said that i must admit that after all this (and reading his private entry) i really think that im fucked up and honestly have too many issues. i feel like shit. yet at the same time my mood is nutral.. Perhaps it's because all this information about how he feels has not yet sunk in. i am fucked up. i will tell you a bit why. although it's no ones consern but my own and nothing will fix nor change it. so anyways.... the reason for this being is because : #1)im Pansexual. now when i was little i always knew there was something wrong with me. and at frist i thought i was bi. this turned out to be not the case. i struggled ever since i was little trying to be the same as veeryone else and be straight. because thats is how the world will accept you. and now knowing that i am Pansexual i feel even worst than when i thought i was bi.at least then it was at least ramotly understandable but how do you explaine likeing everythign and everyone? from transexuals to bi to straight to everythign like that? i am not normal.... and i get stabbed for it alot by certain friends.... so thats been on my mind #2)my dad and i are having difficualtys with our relashionship which i won't get into but know ing thta is enough #3) such as my dad it is same with my mom. #4) im never used to peopel hittign on me or liekign me. when i was little i was called ugly all the time by all my friends and lack there of.... so ya im not used to it #5) my ex is a phyco and im still a little fucked up about him.... i have so much to sort out... he was abusive. not physaclly but mentaly. #6) a bunch of other hsit that happend in the past with stuff... so all in all i think im being stupid about all this but it still affects me. personally i think no one should be aroud me and after reading this certain boy's statement and him being here and kissing me i feel that he's almost just kissing me to try and make me feel bettre. he tells me im beautifull which no one really ever had before. i bileave that he means it however he states that we took things to fast which i agree... its so hard to explaine. i mean it hurts a little thta somewhere in the back of his mind he thinks of me as a slut. but i dont know.... ya i guess i am. i think he regrest having sex with me... i wish he coudl know and understand.... that i do like him, i would love to be with him, im fucked up, i dont know what to do, and i really dont wnat him to be uncomfortable or start anythign that I can't finish. im scared but most of all just fucked up. to me sex can be between friends or really anything. but i like him so much and ya maybe we did take things to fast but meh..... i can;t change it. i feel like it was comepletly my fualt and nothing can change that. and i gues sit's sinking in a little what i do can have a majour effect on peopel. i think im a selfish person thjat needs to think about others all the time. everytime i try something new, chaneg things or take a chance, things get fucked up.... i don somethign wrong and poeple get mad or hurt. i know thats life but thats not fair to others... nayways im just blabing.... i don;t know if i should brake itoff with him now knowing he might never forgive me or what. i don't know (not like we're together or anything) I AM FUCKED UP!!! anyways.... i should let him reda this and i dont know.... Later Days. *~ashley~*