"People don't keep journals for themselves. They keep them for other people, like a secret they don't want to tell but they want everyone to know. The only safe place for your thoughts is your memory, which people can't take and read when you're not looking - at least not yet. " wise words indeed. So basically im sitting here listning to Fall Out Boy and feeling sick to my tummy and knowing i have to get alittle more pyic done for tomarrow. *sigh* so Terry said something to me that made me want to reach otu and slap him. he said that Bob was the ugliest little shit ever and why the fuck did i like him and that i could do better than that. you know what? i probably could do better than that but i don't care. i am shalow. very. but if their personality is good enough then yes i'll like them. seriously most of the people that he likes these days i mean damn... they are NOT hot. and i should know... im fricken Bi! good damn it that burns me. seriously it shouldn't but it still kinda dose. and i want to get more fit but Kat keeps dicking around in that area. i want to do good damn Carmen Alektra Strip Tease WorkOut!!! lol i know that name is kinds getting all of your minds going and i bet your thinking... "hmm damn. that Ashley is a babe. i want to see her do that!" well im not. i think i look kinda awkward doing it but then again im the same girl who still is undeciding weather im hot or not and have gottin no rejections as to me being hot. infact im even getting to know who all wants to sleep with me and let me tell you... its a handful. anyways.... ya so im still really sick and i don't know. im feeling really lost with myself lately. like i normaly don't get all cerfufled. well... ya i do. but not really ya know? for instance i don't know about school, like what the hell am i doing? im dumb as a post on paper and am i really going to make it in teh world? (of course i am! i have enough irish in me i could probably do anything) but yet i still am worried that my grades will be really really low. and i feel like im getting really sick and tierd of alot of my friendships and not careing if i still am friends or not. and whats up with that? also im just feeling... i don't know... not depressed but in a way. and my mom has givin me hugs for the past two days but its also cuz im sick. And i miss my dad. yes me. Ashley, i actually miss my dad. i don't understand. why do i? all i want is for him to ... nevermind. *sigh* i just for once would like him to pick me over his work or whats on T.V or even Tish. (his girlfriend thinger) i mean is that alittle hard to ask? i think it might be to much. i couldn't go to his house this weekend cuz the Olympics were on and i would be ignored. i hate it when that happens and Tish hates me which is fine cuz i ahte her too. and i feel like im goign crazy and i keep hearing voices and stuff when im downstairs in my room. but its ushually my moms voice. i think its the ghosty thats down stairs. lol and Hayden and me talked and hes all Emo and shit cuz Nick is coming down with his gang. he says he really likes me and he dosn't like the fact that ill be with Nick the whole time hes here. and he says that he thinks that Nick shoudl beat him up for what he did to me before (almost strangled me) but i don't really think Nick should. however its one of those things where i don't want to be in it but i would want to watch. uggg... yes i know... im bad. lol. but ya nad i told HAyden taht there is nothign i can do about that. he fucked up anythign we ever had froim the past (however i've grown less and less fond of him in that way since we broke up) but he has definatly broke anmd loss all trust i ever had in him and as some of you might know it takes forever to get that back. i mean takke my brother for instance... he lost some of my trust and it took him like a year to win taht back. and i swear i think i've been dissowned by my brother and i miss him. and as Emo and shit as it sounds i feel like im being disowned by my whole famley. well thats not me being emo, sadly tahts me being a fucking teenager. ya and i don't want to go to school tomarrow and here my science teacher give me a hard time because as stupid as it sounds i really do give half a fuck what he thinks and says. i hate him but i still kina respect him at teh same time. and he harps so much that i roll my eyes but still listin and try to get his aproval. guess what else? my dad hasn't gotten mad at me in a while so thats good but then again i haven't seen him in a while. oh and Sara knows that im bi. now i have to tell Amanda and Morgan... well maybe not Morgan. and Amanda if your reading this please don't think differantly about me. *sigh* okay so my head is pounding and i hate this thinking that i always do. its dangerous at night though. meh. ill get over all of this and deal with it all later too. i always do. P.S> i think its weird cuz i seriously love Nick but i've told all of you and more that i am Ashley and as such i don't fall in love and no one falls in love with me. i will probably die alone and im am fine with that. but sadly i found teenage love. stupid thing. meh. im enjoying it. ^.^ well i must be off and hopefully not feel stressed. Later Days! *~Ashley~*