HEllo everyone. ^.^ so *sigh* okay so i love Nick. i've loved him since... about half a year. and as you can plinly read (through my other entys) i never new if he did or not. well i like him so much i put in my cell phone when we both told each other that we loved eachother. it was a romantic long conversation. so now he is all emotional... which i am very worried about. i never want anyone to cry over me unless i purposly try to make them. but i feel... almost yuckey.. almost liek im at fualt. but what is it that your at fualt for? your probably woundering.. well nothing. im not. he says that he is... but i really want to take a giant step back and not have to worry about other girls (tammy) being mad at me or anything and guys (Nick) haveing to worry about it. i am a super hero and as such my job in life is to put others before me at a reasonable cost. i want Nick not to have to worry and feel the way he dose so i really wish i could get him to just sudenly stop loving me. i mean wouldn't taht make life easier? it would be one of those... Ashley is one of my best friends that helps me out in jams, cares bout me, and is my rant pal things. i don't know. it's just ... *sigh* i know he said that he loved me and i don't feel used and a rebound exactly (even though im used to being... lol somehow i seem so much hotter when peopel are on the rebound) but i just feel funny. i knew this was goign to happen and i knew that the deal we had about not dateing anyone else for the next who knows how long wouldn't work out. but i don't know.. it still hurts. and can you really blame a girl for feeling taht way? as far as Nick was conserned he thought i should haet hima nd feel used... well i don't. i can think things through lojicly and come out witha smile on my face. serioualy... if i could i would fling him back at Tammy and pray that everythign gets worked out... but in teh end i don't. i want to be selfish and have those stupid little girl ideas in my head that i really despise alot and think... maybe there really are fairy tales. Kat asked me if anythign wa sgoing to change when he came out... well to answer that up... its up to him. and Tammy. and what they decide. whatever happens i will be happy about and most likely what im thinking is that he'll probably go out with Tammy again... in which case, sadly, i won't be able to touch him. like all ill be able to do is give him random hugs and bite him when i see him. but... hopefully thigns will work out. final submation... when all is said and done.. i will never forget that drunkin letter i got from him and when he said "i love you" without worrying if i felt the same or if id be freaked out. i am soo sick. like my nose is running. so last night there was aparty at Kats and there was a bunch of people... anyways i got drunk and ran home to call Nick and tell him i loved him. just before he went to bed. then i ran back across the street (in the cold without a jacket) to finish the party. i danced and lughed with people but then stuff started happaning. basically Sara made out with Jeff S. and teh other Jeff got soo sad and he got alot of hugs from me cuz he kept talkign to me. for some reason i was the only one he wanted to talk to abotu taht stuff. Hayden was emo tripping and i know some of it was about me but i don't know about the other stuff. meh. ill find out later. and then Shane wouldn't start touching me.. now as most of you know it takes alot to piss me off but hwne you do run for teh fucking hills becuse i WILL kill you. so he wouldn't stop and he kept touching my ass and stuff so finally i got so pissed off that i slamed him up against the kitchen counter and he actually was hurt by it cuz i slamed him so hard. now this kid is pritty strong and he's heavy... like he is thin but cuz of his mussles he has weight to him and he is taller than me too. after i did that Kat jumped up and said... "shane back off! you got her pist and i don't want anything broken cuz of you pissing her off cuz your going to deserve it." needless to say he backed off after that. but lal i could really think of is Nick. i fucking hate thinking about people all teh tieme but somehow i don't mind as much this time as all teh others. Age threw up and i helped her get home... my lips honestly froze and if i had licked them they would have stuck together... my coat i had rolled up so i wouldnt get puke on it and i helped her back to her house. so this morning she was saposed to come and clean it up but she had a hang over. and later she came on msn and i pritty much bitched her out nicely... some of you know when i do that becuase i bitch but i make sure they can't really say anythign back cuz they know im right. so i did that. she ows Terry and Kat $340 and she refuse to pay them back. fuck her! pay them. grrr. so yes i told her about how im sick of her thinking taht the world ows her something when they don't and how she has been a shit ass friend and all sorts of stuff. in the end it came out to a page of me telling her all this and more and her only words at teh end was "blocked" and i responded witha simple "okay." haha so we shall see where aour friendship lies later. oh! and Terry hasn't been treating Kat very good at all and he always is demanding sex and kinda makeing her feel like shit. she started crying last night and i started to kiss her on the head and i held her and told her that everything was going ot be all right.. and i could tell she was really up set so after abotu 5 minutes of howling (by teh way Terry came out once and said "oh your crying" and went back in his room) so i started singign her a luliby. it soothed her and this mornign she thanked me. ^.^ but i have to go babysit about 6 kids. and feel a little sad about this whoel Nick thing. but you know what teh real sad part is? i feel like i got screwed. i usually do but somehow i feel like i did. why? i have no idea cuz i didn't what makes me think that i got screwed? did i do anything that i thoguht i desrved and got screwed out of somethign good? no. i don't really deserve anything. and i hate to be a sinicle bitch and this WILL bite me in the ass later and no one should take note of this but why dose Nick love me? i don't think that i should be. it feels wounderful weather its fulse or not wich i think its true but i just somehow don't think i deserve it. i don't know. all i do know is that i am a super hero and i am here for anyone who needs me and through thick and thin i will smile and in teh end i am just being stupid abotu this whoel thinking the worst about Nick and Tammy and me. They deserve each other. i think tehy're a wounderful match. *sigh* Later Days. Much love to all. *~Ashley~* (p.s. don't worry its not a sighn out card.)