i hate feeling this way. off and on i get these feelings of hate. sometimes it is toward myself and other times it is towards other people. i have anger towards alot of people thata re close to me and some that aren't so much. i have so much sadness too. and as happy as i ushually am (as most of you know me) i am not the same. i am horrible. i feel horrible. i like myself but lately all i've heard is that i need to change and i need to be happier and think more good intentions. but all i hear is criticizem.... i ahven't heard any good things about my self. untill last night. Garry FINALLY said something good about me. and i know there are good things about me but all i hear is..... basically what it sounds like to me is that im some kinds of horrible person. i hear "ashley do this" "ashley you should do this" Ashley do this more" "Ashley why don't you..." the list goes on. for months no i haven't heard a single "good job" or "thats cool" "im glad" ..... nothing. no one seems interested in what i have ambitions for. last time when i had my camp papers to apply they all just said "thats nice... why don't you go tint" i cry almost every day at work. so much now that it has become normal. i try to start out with (yes Garry, ) good intentions and even (yes.... Garry) i write in this little kitty not book bout how i "intened" to have a good day or night or whatever. i know i don't need this. i know i shouldn't work here in this enviroment. it's a simple salution. yet it really can not be done right now. since the economy is low and there are no jobs i can't go somewhere else. i need a job with money that pays a good amount. i also need a second job. i know i can go to school and that i will. i know i will be a child councilor of some sort. i know ill get good marks (despite my test problems). everyone should drop that topic. it's been talked about and i know what im doing. i don;t wnat to talk about it anymore. no, i probably won't go to camp. after the feasco of the last time i went.... its put a dampper on how i feel about it all. not to mention the fact that i got turned down for the job last summer. and my job now said they could only let me go for a week. but i'll wnat more. that is a get-a-way for me. today was horrible with the whole "check your color" rant i got from Garry. i knwo he is right i just am trying. well no maybe i've stopped. i mean, before i was tryign so hard to do my job right and make sure i covverd everything i was saposed to do... but as time went on i still got in shit for things and even careless mistakes casued by people which then lead up to me making a mistake. i hav eno problem addmiting when i've done wrong. i just hate this place. with all the chemicals, lights and how everybody is with their anger (that ushually isn't directed at me). Garry is right. i don't feed off of peopel's energy i feel it and i get a similar way. my friend Bailey could always have a split second change in her emotion and not even realize it. i would sometimes ask her what was wrong and she would reply "nothing" and laugh. sometimes even ask me "i did it again didn't i?" i just would like a few more compliments an i think that would help me alot. i don't work wlel with nothing but critisizem. i need something good to work from. i perosnaly don't think there is anything wrong with me. i firmly bileave it is this place. and it has come to my attention along time ago and i KNOW that this is not the right place for me to work. although i've noticed that water helps me ALOT. even taking a warm bath. i feel better after but my special fav is actually swiming. having my whole body emerged in the water. and i'll just sit in the water. like in the summer i will sit for minutes at a time under the water with eyes open. the sun shines through the pool and makes it very easy to see through. kids iwll jump in the water or swim by and i just sit. hearing only the water and waves come by your ears. it feels amazing. i can even do tricks much like an otter. swim over an daround, and underneith people. to circles and summer sualts. all kinds of stuff. i love the water so much it makes everything better. for my 19th im going to try and take a full week off to go to maui to visit my uncle. and just surf. the whole time. just learn to surf and whn im done at night just sit and talk with my uncle or go and swim in a pool. thats it/. even if i could go to the bars out there i still wouldn't/. all i want to do is learn to surf and i know ill be good at it. amazing in fact. *sigh* i feel better already. im going to have to think of a different wya to go about this. and set my room up. i don't veen care about the las coat. whatever. im going to go home tonight and start to set my dressers up a bit more. and out my last 2 droors in my dresser. and just set everything up. i think ill be a bit more "at home" then. i spent last night with Garry and we talked lots. well i guess mostly baout me and how i have to change lol. i think me and Garry need to do some of these work shops together. i don;t knwo wnything about this stuff and like i told him it's kinds of unfair to throw me in and basically say "swim bitch" haha. but i think it'll help us both. i mean we rae ina new relationship after all and what better way to stat things off but by doing these work shops together and see how each other is. if all the energy world is going to tel me is that i have to change then i think that is very illojical. i may have to change but i can acomplish it alot afster with some possitive comments so i knwo im doing good. it's like a kid.... you say good things to them don't you? so they no they are doing good and they can continue to do it. im afraid that i will get so wound up in trying to get it right that i won't actually feel what im saposed to and then it won't work on me (yes i am giving this a try... why not? its not going to hurt me) im just very confused and unsure. anyways i would love some feed back about all this. i guess im just a little confused. *sigh* im just trying to make this all work. later days! *~Ashley~*