cantbeperfect | Sitdiary

myspace

by cantbeperfect on January 29th 2006, 12:00AM

welp bryans been the dick of all dicks lately. i could really give a shit less tho its just him. anyways real point in posting... www.myspace.com/clickmyshytbytch/ =D

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yesteryear

by cantbeperfect on January 24th 2006, 12:00AM

wow have i changed since then. kinda scared to venture back into my dark past... my depression my scars... not today anyway. -sam

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saddness of yesterday cuts deep holes for tomorrow

by cantbeperfect on October 4th 2005, 12:00AM

youd never know what it feels like to be me looking at this page. i can feel the tears swell behind my mascara lined eyes... it hurts on such a different level. i wanted to update. i found love. i fell hard. he was my world his name was steve. we werent together long b4 it ended and my world crashed down like with bryan all over again and what do i do... cry. not only for the love of steven but of the love i still feel 4 bryan and the hurt i feel that he's got all his shit together. the other night i almost slept with steve. woulda been the 1st and only person since bryan. there turned out to be no condom and i backed off... not tempting fait. not again. not with steve. i dont know if steves the right person 4 the renewed virginity to be taken from me. i mean its prolly gana hurt. can he handle that? will he even care. eh. oh well bryan came last night. dropped off our son... =) he said i could come over anytime as long as i called 1st to make sure his g/f wasnt there. *psht* he wanted me to come by last night. seemed odd. my friend at work said i shoulda went and fucked his head off and called his g/f while i was doing it. hahahaha. i duno. ive met a lot of people lately made tons of friends... mostly guys mostly from walmart. my cell is hotter than ever tho like 40 names 80 callers... damn. but the friends are starting to not fill my void now. im feeling creeping depression gaining strength. its the crave for intimacy. i want a lover. theres always someone who ruins the shit tho. i never feel good enough i worry too damn much and i make it so hard. i think with the guys that have been in and out of my life lately... tony, steve, zach... i just have an even lower self confidence level... i just dont see anything special in me. and theres always someone better. i am the tragic love lost song that is unheard. and thats all ill ever be. i was meant to be alone and sad. Lovishly:SamanthaC

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h.a.t.e. spelled out 4 ya

by cantbeperfect on June 17th 2005, 12:00AM

omg im not ready 4 this... not ready to come back here... its been a year and still i cry like its yesterday. the entries the pictures the harsh memories i carry in my broken cold heart... i hate him. i wish i could go back in time and walk away from him the day he cried. and i wouldnt be crying now. im too weak for something like this to happen in my life... why fucking me? everyone else has a much better grip on this shit than i do so why me!?! read my other sit or my xanga if u want but i only update here to keep it opened... its still to depressing to come back yet. dont forget me.

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KRW

by cantbeperfect on January 12th 2005, 12:00AM

i had the baby! keyan russell =D u can go to my other diary (xrazorxcutsx) for the link 2 his picture or go to my xanga (wasnt_enough) for my day to day info. ill keep short reports going here but this diary is too painful of a memory to swallow 4 now.

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update

by cantbeperfect on November 19th 2004, 12:00AM

Listening to: ghost of you-GC

Feeling: alone

ok i got on here to grab some pics but ended up doing this... gah. but get this... if u've been keeping up with razorxcuts and my life u know the whole me and bryan rollar coaster ride. on the phone 2 nights ago i finally broke and said some things i needed to say. one being i love you and he said he loves me too. he said i see us as broken up and sad over done. he said he sees us as just got fucked up and could happen again in the future. not saying it would or wouldnt but letting me know theres hope. he said were both maturing. and i respect every word that came out of his soft lips. he said i can call him anytime 4 anything, even if just to vent about him. he told me also not to wait for him to call me b/c he doesnt "have a beeper in his ass that buzzes every time i need him" lol so things are getting better *i think* i love him and miss him dearly. we have another app. for keyan on tuesday i hope he can make it... its so nice to have him there holding my hand and telling me everythings okay. i got him an x-mas gift today... huge stocking FILLED with candy and a photoframe which will hold a pic of me him and the baby soon enough im sure. and on the outside is a tag that says worlds best dad and a green teddy bear jammed in the top. i hope he gets me something too. lol im so gready. nothing tops the gifts he used to give me. well guess thats all. god i love him. i crave that kiss, i will forever crave it. and reading his old diaries today made me sick... i hate myself for not treating him like gold, he said a lot of it was his fault and im not saying it wasnt but it was my fault too and i just want that chance back to fix his heart. he's still my everything. and as i said "no bryan i love you... in a different way... a way that never left me" he said he loved me the same and i choked back tears, that he could obviously hear coming. he doesnt understand how alone i feel even tho he feels it to having no one to talk to... but i feel as if no one else is there but him and i need his arms to hold me just to feel like a whole person, is that wrong? my therapist thinks were meant to be just not grown enough to see that yet. im not getting my hopes up, just writing them down. 2 years cant be forgotten when it was ur 1st love and u both still feel it and no one compares to them. ya know last year at this time we had just celebrated our anniversary and i was in his arms... its so hard to believe were not together... it really is after all we went thru all the shit we overcame. i just have a hard time believing it... and i know he says he feels like he needs to have a g/f even tho he doesnt want a relationship... but it kills me to think of him with anyone else. it'll never get better 4 me.

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the old days

by cantbeperfect on September 22nd 2004, 12:00AM

Listening to: shinedown-45

Feeling: abandoned

ive had this for over a year... im thinking about making it novel except 4 the fact that it sux. but it did get a lot of attention and its seriously tragic and romatic... see then my new diary can be the sequel. i duno. this hurts too much seeing those memories, knowing he doesnt give a shit, and watching him fall further away from me and our son everyday. do i deserve this? he gets a new life i get a child. i hate him... because im so fucking in love with him... and he doesnt seem to care one bit. someone needs to hurt him 4 me.

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new or improved?

by cantbeperfect on April 22nd 2004, 12:00AM

im bacccck. lol. the other diary i been keeping is.... moment of silence everyone.... drum roll.... yep here it is what you been waiting for... xrazorxcutsx YAY there ya go. enjoy. it was very extensive but after bryan and i started to work things out i deleted the entries and started over. now you get the fresh look. tehe have fun.

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GOOD FUCKING BYE

by cantbeperfect on March 31st 2004, 12:00AM

Listening to: 3 Days Grace-I Hate Everything About You

Feeling: alone

this diary shall either be VERY MUCH REVAMPED *as in all pics and entries deleted* or just left to rot until i think im ready to see the hurt again... for now im unsure so leave me be. he's now a part of my history and i never thought it would happen. he doesnt even care about our unborn fucking child. oh well... tomorrow im dropping out of school, my moms really letting me! this is the only thing that makes me happy. i dont think me and bryan will ever be again but i still love him and i hate myself for it. whats going to happen to *our* future? can he touch someone else as he touched me? i cant do that, never. no matter what - he always said... he'd love me everlasting. i think he lied. but ill always have his virginity and thinking of keeping this baby. i left so much behind 4 him noone will ever dedikate their life to him like i have i hope he realizes this -he wasnt even gana tell me- i shoulda known better from the start. i have a new diary but its a secret type dealy *not hard 2 find tho if u wanna* leave comments if u wish... ill still comment back. thus the end to the worst day of my life.

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