hard music plays in the backround. i attempt to write poetry on cutting. not going well... i keep thinking about bryan damnit damnit im weak from not eating i never did go eat earlier... eh. i want to call bryan so bad and tell him i 'need' him and its not just love or friendship or anything on a petty high school level he's my dependancy. he is... keeping me alive. litterally, honestly, truly. he kept me from killing myself in the beginning, so i owe him my life. its sooo way beyond love and theres no word to explain it. its like... we are 1 person. i cant breathe without him, and earlier he said it hurts to breathe when he thinks we wont make it. god i love him but why does he have to do the shit he does? i wanna die so bad. i feel as if i already have. as i said b4 i want to call him and tell him... he told me to call if i wanted him back... if ever. i know ill never find anyone like him ever again. someone i can be with and sleep with and be comfortable with, someone who shares my dreams and loves m&m's with as much passion as i! and above all doesnt laugh when i decide to wear fairy wings 2 school. someone who will ride 3 hours on a bike at midnight 2 spend a few hours with me. :( he deleted his sn for me. his diary as well i suppose :( i dont want that but he says its best 4 me.... no it isnt! it kills! his diary changed. he took all the friends off but me. then wrote these... this hurts November 1, 2003 this hurt so damn bad seeing it on sams sit. i am going to be hurting for a long time i know that. i know i am going to miss all our great times together. i know i will miss her. i know i will miss us and our dreams/ Love is: Crying in the beginning b/c of them but crying in the end b/c u know u cant live w/o them.i love you bryan (0 comments) | ..KiLl Me.. DaMnIt November 1, 2003 I wish i would have asked that last time for her to come back.......... I want her to trust me so damn abd.I want her in my life so damn much. I want her to love and hold for the rest of my life... NoW she's gone :'( nobody talk to me, i have a solution for that, i am making a new s/n only sean will know, and i am making another sit. that might be private. PEACE NICE KNOWING YOU. all night he's been saying sorry 4 not treating me right... and only caring when things were easy and not caring when things got tuff and when i needed him most. he begged :( he finally saw how he was treating me and i think he got a taste of the pain he put me threw. but now i want to run to him and hold him and comfort him as he has done 4 me. i finally see, this is my 1st my only, my last love... no1 could ever compare. but no... i still do hurt and i still dont trust him, cant ever! he'd lied 2 many times and i wont ever be settled about what to do with the winter. if he really did care he'd see he only cares about himself and not how i feel. no im not making him choose me or sb... i chose that myself he never had an option. well ima go eat