ok i got on here to grab some pics but ended up doing this... gah. but get this... if u've been keeping up with razorxcuts and my life u know the whole me and bryan rollar coaster ride. on the phone 2 nights ago i finally broke and said some things i needed to say. one being i love you and he said he loves me too. he said i see us as broken up and sad over done. he said he sees us as just got fucked up and could happen again in the future. not saying it would or wouldnt but letting me know theres hope. he said were both maturing. and i respect every word that came out of his soft lips. he said i can call him anytime 4 anything, even if just to vent about him. he told me also not to wait for him to call me b/c he doesnt "have a beeper in his ass that buzzes every time i need him" lol so things are getting better *i think* i love him and miss him dearly. we have another app. for keyan on tuesday i hope he can make it... its so nice to have him there holding my hand and telling me everythings okay. i got him an x-mas gift today... huge stocking FILLED with candy and a photoframe which will hold a pic of me him and the baby soon enough im sure. and on the outside is a tag that says worlds best dad and a green teddy bear jammed in the top. i hope he gets me something too. lol im so gready. nothing tops the gifts he used to give me. well guess thats all. god i love him. i crave that kiss, i will forever crave it. and reading his old diaries today made me sick... i hate myself for not treating him like gold, he said a lot of it was his fault and im not saying it wasnt but it was my fault too and i just want that chance back to fix his heart. he's still my everything. and as i said "no bryan i love you... in a different way... a way that never left me" he said he loved me the same and i choked back tears, that he could obviously hear coming. he doesnt understand how alone i feel even tho he feels it to having no one to talk to... but i feel as if no one else is there but him and i need his arms to hold me just to feel like a whole person, is that wrong? my therapist thinks were meant to be just not grown enough to see that yet. im not getting my hopes up, just writing them down. 2 years cant be forgotten when it was ur 1st love and u both still feel it and no one compares to them. ya know last year at this time we had just celebrated our anniversary and i was in his arms... its so hard to believe were not together... it really is after all we went thru all the shit we overcame. i just have a hard time believing it... and i know he says he feels like he needs to have a g/f even tho he doesnt want a relationship... but it kills me to think of him with anyone else. it'll never get better 4 me.