1st of all... all i can think about is this song: ur lying to urself again Suicidal imbecile Think about it put it on the faultline Whatll it take to get it through to u precious Over this y do u wanna throw it away like this Such a mess I dont want to watch u Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time Whats your rush now everyone will have his day to die Medicated drama queen picture perfect numb belligerence Narcisistic drama queen craving fame and all its decadance Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time Whats ur hurry everyone will have his day to die If you choose to pull the trigger should ur drama prove sincere Do it somewhere far away from here it haunts my every thought. after talking to brandon earlier... and spilling my guts about everything i feel (BIG mistake there) it ended with me running to the bathroom the grab the razor blade as i picked it up all i could think about was when bryan came over *that night* i remember sitting in the tub, i had been in there for about 25 minutes just sitting there wishing he would call, then he came into the bathroom, i hadnt wanted him to see i was crying... and i dont remember the events in a perfect order but i do remember him seeing the razor blades and taking them from me... i remember arguing to get them back and he put one up to his arm and asked if i wanted to see him to cut himself, if i wanted to watch him bleed... i knew how many times he had done it before so deep so painful and i remember my past and i closed my eyes and could see him push it deep and pull it hard... and i said no i remember getting out of the bath and him being with me... then i remember when he left (which wasnt very much later *cuz he stole his dads car*) i was so pissed he stole my razor blades... for a while my past was partly an addiction to cutting much like people have addictions to drugs... which in my eyes is worse and more harmful than a few scratches on the wrists, plus need we mention illegal? and as i picked up the razor tonight... thats all that went threw my head... i needed bryan to talk to and he wasnt there... he told me he'd come back and he didnt. it didnt upset me ya know... but i needed him and i waited and waited. but its fine my conversation with brandon seemed so far away and the tears on my face were drying. my violent moodswing was passing, and i did it on my own. i made it pass... on my OWN! bi polar disorder... still unsure... maybe just deep clinical depression and moodswings. my depression is unravelling. doctors say medication would fix this... doctors know jack shit... sorry but the pills they want to give me make you 'not care' about anything... id rather be upset and emo forever rather than *nothing* i say that but in my mind i actually know my depression is reaching a critical state. i have to watch the way i word things now... i cant be so opened about things because people read this, a lot of people... a lot more than before when i could tell anything at anytime. i guess its fear... paranoia? maybe... possibly... i think im just scared of the unknown that damn thing deleted the 1st time and i had to re-type it... what an SOB!