i changed my diary pics... and the title and my name and all that shit... as u could prolly guess me and bryan arent doing well. were actually 'not' doing at all right now. dunno if we ever will again. i know pretty soon it will start hurting but not yet.... 4 now it just hurts that he blamed so much on me when im the one that was being torn apart. i feel it was a waste of a year i think i made a huge mistake giving him my virginity was a dumb idea too. cuz now the next time im in love or married i have to explain to them why im not a virgin and say sorry like 10 million times. i also wont be giving away the only thing there really is to give away... and ill sorta feel guilty and bad ya know. i hope bryan doesnt read that and get pissed. i dont think he'll even look at my diary cuz i changed it. its kinda funny how i talked good on us earlier than he called me and told me bout his cousin and it broke us up. see the sad thing is... next month was our 1 year mark... that'll be a bit depressing and i always wanted to spend my birthday with someone i loved. i dont think he understood that from the get-go but now all chances of that vanished. eh. why is it that i always end up hurting the most during my favorite time of year? my b/day my holiday everything. i got him stuff and made him stuff too but i think im just gana throw it away. i feel idiotic 4 trying so hard. im going to give him the ring and the necklace back... i thought about having sum1 drive me over 2 his house to leave all the stuff he has bought 4 me... but i am 2 tired 2 even think about it. i dont want to see him and i have to get my things out of his locker. ill have to carry that shit home and 2 every class everyday. that sux! the memories will be haunting and hard 2 4get. i know eventually it'll end up killing me. it'll be the small things too... like the way he holds my hand looks in my eyes the way he smiles at me or the softness of his neck simple things like that but the bigger things like the night we 1st slept together the night i said i loved him our 1st kiss 1st date *all the dates* walking in the halls together knowing he's mine. even tho it hurt me so much inside id miss it all. i cry now. i cry because he's free 2 do w/e and he'll prolly get with sum1 i hate like chelsy and they will win over me and if they stay together 4 ever id die i think id kill myself b4 that happened dunno y i just dont get it over with now? im a fucking chicken ass baby. maybe ill get the courage? i know the day i see a girl at his locker or him walking with his arms around someone.... ill get the courage i need. and when i hear they slept together ill be gone 4 ever cuz thats our only bind. today really started out like any other day i never thought this would be the end... and the sad thing is i thought our plans of getting married and having our baby girl would come true. i never dreamed the nightmares i have now. i fear him sleeping wiht sum1 else... i can see it in my head and it kills. i never planned on what id do if we ended. and now im stuck. i never thought id get so attached and then be there alone again, i freaked when ryan left and we were only together 2 months. i wont survive this. and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! i candt handle anything +tomorrow will be hell+