*sigh* i still dont know if im pregnant... i decided i dont want to know. bryan said he'll drop out of school and maintain 3 jobs 2 support the baby. before we were both all about abortion. he changed. *sigh* all that and were not even currently together. today was sad and confusing. seeing bryan was great. he put the necklace back on me. and he kissed me. it was the most magical kiss i can ever remember. our day went great together. i havent talked to him since i been home from school tho. all day i wondered what he had been up too. my mom told me she'll help me pay 4 a x-mas gift 4 him... his b/day is very very soon too. i watched the virgin suicides a-gain. the love making scene got to me... for the 1st time my eyes were opened to how wonderful of an experience that was me and bryan giving each other our virginity. i remember how passionate it was without the lust... pure love. the total absense of problem. nothing crossed my mind but the fear of the pain and the love. it was painful but he made me feel comfy XD it was great. he held me all night afterwards... we made love for almost 3 hours our first time... we were both so tired. we got up and went out to talk to the other people staying the night then we all slept in my room in the end. me and bryan slept on the bed on the floor that he made for us where we earlier made love. he held me so tight... i can remember hearing him breathe. *sigh* that was the best love ive ever known this christmas i could care less about decorations. parties. presents. i just want to be with him for the holiday. i just want him to be happy and i want to be the reason he's happy. anyways i watched the grinch today... very cute. *the original cartoon* i slid the razor blade over my finger... it split it open with a burning sensation that ceases to quit. i showed bryan some old pics of me (and the haircut i want to have a-gain) i was in a string bikini... it was my 9th grade summer. he kept the pics. *sigh* he did the cutest thing today. (i talk as if he were my child instead of my angel) he looked at me and said 'god i love you' i said i love you too but he said 'no i really love you, you dont understand' it was so cute i swear. i dont know why but that touched my heart. he *shhh* shaved down there '4 me he said'i want to go to his house and make sweet sweet love to him like our 1st time. soon too. ill be very sedictive. well that is all 4 now. im tired my fingers burn and i miss bryan. i think i should cut... to get my mind off the pain on my figers... i can take the cuts on my chest but the cuts on my fingers burn.