youd never know what it feels like to be me looking at this page. i can feel the tears swell behind my mascara lined eyes... it hurts on such a different level. i wanted to update. i found love. i fell hard. he was my world his name was steve. we werent together long b4 it ended and my world crashed down like with bryan all over again and what do i do... cry. not only for the love of steven but of the love i still feel 4 bryan and the hurt i feel that he's got all his shit together. the other night i almost slept with steve. woulda been the 1st and only person since bryan. there turned out to be no condom and i backed off... not tempting fait. not again. not with steve. i dont know if steves the right person 4 the renewed virginity to be taken from me. i mean its prolly gana hurt. can he handle that? will he even care. eh. oh well bryan came last night. dropped off our son... =) he said i could come over anytime as long as i called 1st to make sure his g/f wasnt there. *psht* he wanted me to come by last night. seemed odd. my friend at work said i shoulda went and fucked his head off and called his g/f while i was doing it. hahahaha. i duno. ive met a lot of people lately made tons of friends... mostly guys mostly from walmart. my cell is hotter than ever tho like 40 names 80 callers... damn. but the friends are starting to not fill my void now. im feeling creeping depression gaining strength. its the crave for intimacy. i want a lover. theres always someone who ruins the shit tho. i never feel good enough i worry too damn much and i make it so hard. i think with the guys that have been in and out of my life lately... tony, steve, zach... i just have an even lower self confidence level... i just dont see anything special in me. and theres always someone better. i am the tragic love lost song that is unheard. and thats all ill ever be. i was meant to be alone and sad. Lovishly:SamanthaC