well that was emotionally exhausting. i havent written on here in 3 years and just decided to re-read all my old entries. it's amazing how some things have changed so much (where i'm at with my life) and some things are exactly the same (still depressed).the only problem with being an adult is that you no longer have time to be sad. i now understand the meaning of "sink or swim."right now i'm kind of just treading water... but i'm really, really tired.

okay sitdiary go to hell. i just wrote the longest and saddest god damn entry you fucking didnt save it. this is the third fucking time you have done this I FUCKING HATE YOU AND AM FINDING A BETTER BLOG TO USE YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

right now my sleeping schedule is this: go to bed around 5-6am, wake up at 12pm, then have a nap around 5pm. my diet is horrendous, i dont even want to write about what I ate yesterday, and today. Im completely off schedule with my birth control pill and and i drink at least 2 redbulls and coffee per day. I rarely leave my house. I sit in this desk, or lay in my bed, all day and stress about this paper and try and write this paper. all to no avail. So I am either going to get a blood clot, have a heart attack, or die on the spot from sheer poor health and exhaustion. shitttty. i want this all to be over so bad. so bad that i cant focus on ending it myself (by doing my work, not killing myself silly).ughh its just painful. but whatever. i am just excited for my "summer of self-improvement". that is what i have deemed this summer to be. just because this year was soo rough on every level. I was depressed, lonely, sucked at soccer, was out of shape, ate like shit, was completely broke, not confident, did horribly in school, antisocial, got black-out drunk practically every time i drank...... shall i go on? however, if i did improve one thing, it was becoming a better friend - at least to slye. so this summer, i already have my job set-up where i will be making a fat paycheck, and a budget so I will save wayy more than i spend. i am also going to be seeing a psychologist to work through depression and what not.. im pretty nervous for that. i have my mandatory workout schedule, my soccer teams, doing yoga again, have my parents buying my groceries again, and ill be with my friends again. i also REALLLLYYY want to stop drinking. just for the summer. but i know that i will get sooo much shit from my friends if i do. i really dont want to have to deal with that. i think i will just cut down quite substantially, and when i do drink, only bring a small amount to wherever im going. like 4 beers. or a mini-mickey. i plan on volunteering a lot too. just keeping myself really busy and healthy and happy is my goal. im going to plan this in more detail later but now i will continue working on my paper

I want to start a new blog. And in that blog I want to write about my life in the new perspective that I am trying to pick up, the one where I stop seeing the negative in everything and stop feeling bad for myself. I feel bad for myself so often and think I have it so hard and think there are so many things wrong with me. There isnt anything wrong with me. I choose to complain and label myself as depressed and an insomniac and disabled. When if I just approached the problem differently, more positively, it would be solved so much easier and I will have saved myself so much misery. I may or may not start a new blog somewhere else (I also have extreme anxiety that people I know read this - that would be disasterous). Right now my number one problem is a paper that I am working on that is already a week late that if I dont hand in, I will fail the class. If I fail the class, my GPA will plummet and I will have no chance at being an academic all-canadian next year. And I will also have to re-do the class obviously, which would suck because I HATE it. So this is how I am going to look at it: I am a very intelligent individual with a passion for health promotion who is more than able to write this paper. My fridge is stocked with redbull and I have lots of snacks to survive this all nighter. I will email the paper to my prof in the morning and then move on with my life. Okay. Here I go. Only ~7 pages left!

right now i am looking for some strength. i know i am not a weak person when i look back at things ive pushed through. why cant i draw from those moments some strength to push through now. i need to get my work done!!!! but im texting B right NOW. i think we are going to meet up in europe.... omgomgomgomg. i know im going to need a lot of strength then too. but i just want to see him. 2 more weeks and i am fucking outttta here. im forcing myself to pull an all night tonight until im done this shit.

so life is at an all time low. so bad in fact that i have actually told 2 people how miserable i am. and it made me feel a bit better. its obvious that i need to do something about it. the only solution i can think of is to see a psychologist when i go home for summer. i hope my parents will pay for it cause i cant afford it. but i think they will because they know that something has been wrong for a very long time. wow i just imagined my dad picking me up from the airport and i am now crying. wow i want to be home so bad. i dont care about anything here. BUT while im here, i need to survive and finish this semester as best as humanly possible. so i need to focus on myself. i need to forget about ron, forget about craig, forget about everyone at that kegger. im home in 2 weeks. those people dont matter.but before i forget about them, i am going to talk about them. so me and craig havent spoken in a very long time. today he texted me: CM: Dear miss ____________, I have landed back on earth, how the hell are you? [the blank is my full name, which im not putting on the internetz] me: honestly not too stoked on you right now craig CM: ya assumed that, good luck on exams [ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?] me:Wow.. Im glad us being friends is so important to you? no response im shocked really. what is with fucking guys thinking that can fuck me over and then just text me a month later and expect things to be okay? seriously- what the fuck? and when they release im not going to take it, they shut off and act so unfazed. craig, you can go to hell. have fun with your fucking ugly girlfriend. he has chnaged so much though... he doesnt care about anybody anymore. he used to really care about me.. im sad i lost that. im sad he losing himself to what he THINKS is important: money & status. anyways, now i will talk about ron. he is the boy i went on a date with. and things are different with him. him and i can talk for hours. i rarely find that in ANYBODY. even B i had a lot of difficulty talking to at times. i dont know though, im way to fucked up right now to really get into anything. and i leave in 2 weeks. so maybe next year? ha. not sure how he feels about things. slye keeps warning me that he has no emotions. not sure thats entirely true though. slye also told me that he never talked to anyone about his mom (she died) - not even his old girlfriend. but him and i have talked about it at length. weve talked about his entire family. i have trouble talking about myself though, because hes been through so much and i feel like ive been through so little. well not a lot has happened TO me, but i have observed many things happen around me. anyways, havent seen him this week because i have had the week from hell. anyways. now that thats out, i can forget about them. i need to focus on myself. i just looked up at the goals i have posted on my wall: academic all-canadian 10.5+ on the beep test save $500 for europe wow.... i havent been for a run in weeks. i am doing horrible in school. and i have pretty much $0 and no job. good fucking job!! ok better to start later than never right? tonight i am focusing on school - its 3am and i have to get 3 things done before i go to bed: 1. my theory paper (only like 10 more pages... no big deal right?), 2. program planning evaluations (almost done!), 3.my take home policy exam thats due tomorow. on these are done i am going to sleep for a very long time and then write my 20 page lit review for monday. once that is done i am going to start running my butt off. and maybe do a couple crunches. and i will be studying for my 2 exams which i need to get 100% on in order to MAYBE be an academic all canadian. havent been to class in a very long time so we'll see. and as far as saving money goes, i have none to save and need to eat. so ill just stop buying shitty/expensive food i guess. anyways..... all-nighter startssss...... now!

went to see alice in wonderland tonight. he picked me up. he paid. he dropped me off. he walked me to the door. we kissed goodbye. what does this mean? im not quite sure. but its genuine, and i think i like that. on another note, last night was pure INSAANNITTY. scientists of sound covered daft punk's homework album. i did not leave the dance floor for 3 hours straight. not once. i wish every night was like last night. so my social life is dece. everything else....... not so much.

i have noooooooooo energy. ughhhhhhhhhhhhh#%%$#^&%$^&%$#@#!@ being depressed is so fucking lame. seriously WHAT THE FUCK BRAIN? why cant you just produce the appropriate amounts of dopamine and serotonin so i can live a normal fucking life. and to think i almost failed neuroscience? and hey craaaiigggg, YOU can go to hell. i am fucking done with you.

went to a psychologist today. i cried... even though i went there with no intention of discussing anything remotely sad. afterwards i went to the library but could not do anything. left and slept for 4 hours. i hadnt showered in 4 days. im such a mess on the inside, im scared its going to start showing on the outside. but on more positive note, i found out how much money im going to be making this summer. its a RIDICULOUS amount...... im fucckkkking stoked. one more month till home. and then EUROPE MO FUCKKAA!!

commencing a new diet tomorrow, its called "not eating because i would rather pay for a new dress for athletic banquet than buy groceries" i might actually die from all the work i have to do in the next 2 weeks. any money not spent on said dress will go towards sugar-free redbull im kind of a wreck but MY GOD i have become so good at faking it its insane!!!!! life mission accomplished. but i guess when i commit suicide no one will understand why because no one knows that im dying inside! im not actually going to kill myself - relax. but if anyone knows any other quick fixes to infinite depression and lonliness, be sure to drop me a line. peace out!

the ups and downs of my emotions, mood, and motivation are killing me. its a downward spiral right now. im clawing at the walls trying to pull myself up but my fingernails are just breaking off (how very poetic of me). ya i feel like shit. i feel overwhelmed and i feel like i cant trust anyone. i feel alone. i feel like i cant talk about the way i feel to anyone in this house. i really just want to go home. i dont want to be here at all. i dont want to do school work anymore. i dont want to be stressed about money, or stressed about anything - drama, relationships (more the lack of), being hurt, letting people down, being out of shape. uhggihg$^%&^$&%!$% fuck i want to go home so bad it hurts.

hiiiiiii. had a soccer tournament. came in second... lost in the final in PKs. which is so ANNOYING because we were all over them the entire game. but they just clumped up so much in front of the goal that it was impossible to get a shot through. and when we did their goalie just happened to be having the game of her life and saved it. guhhhhhhh. i feel really shitty. like im SO bloated andi dont know why. its like my digestion has just stopped. ive also been eating way to many carbs and not enough fruit and veggies. need to stop that. going to run and do yoga a lot this week. and get a good start on my lit review so i can hand it sometime the following week. i miss craig.... i wish i wasnt so dumb. :(

the weather has been amazing lately. i think it is one reason why i am not staying in bed till 1pm anymore. planning on doing a 730am run tomorrow morning. we'll see how that pans out. i just put music on my shuffle that my work gave me last summer, so hopefully that will make for an enjoyable run. ive realized that i have become pretty amazing at just dropping people from my life. i dont feel like i should be proud of this talent, but it does make life so much easier. instead of dealing with the hurt, i just run from it. i had to do it to B so many times, from my friends everytime i leave home for school, and now its like everytime i am about to get hurt or do get hurt, i just peace out. undecided whether this makes me a strong or weak person. but i guess it doesnt matter. i think slye and her bf are going to bed getting back together soon. he went to go see a counseller just like she wanted him too. i want them to get back together because he is really cool and opens up my group of friends quite substantially, but at the same time i know i will be bitter. i spent two weeks of my life watching her cry at every moment, listen to her say the same things over and over and over. it was physically and mentally exhausting and i feel unappreciated. and i am still alone. apparently this boy on the hockey team REALLY likes me though. not sure why. we dont know eachother that well. i sat with him in physiology though. trying not to give it too much thought... cause when i do that i go CRAZZYYY. night night.

my friend's friend died the other day, and she had to speak at the funeral. she put her eulogy on facebook and i read it. been crying for a while now and i didnt even know the girl who died. it just made me think about how i want to be remembered. anyways. i want to using sitdiary more again. and write more coherent entries. i need some sort of outlet as i dont really trust anyone right now [i dont know why]. i think its because i sort of opened myself up to craig, made myself very vunerable, and was shut down - in a sense. its hard to explain what happened, what it means, and how i feel about it. but i wish i had never said anything - not because i was rejected, but because he will forever have this false idea of me, and i think that will change things a lot. because really, i dont actually LIKE him. i just didnt want him dating someone else. i wasnt willing to share him, or lose him like i did last time he had a girlfriend. and me being drunk, thought it was a good idea to be manipulative and tell him that i had feelings for him. which i guess technically isnt a lie, but i definately dont like him in the way im sure he interpreted it. and thats a shame, because i wont correct it. because i deserve this for being so shitty. i guess when you begin to lose your friends though, you have more time to focus on yourself. and i definately have a lot of self-improvement to begin. i fucking hate having no guy friends here. girls are so much god-damn drama, and i think ive been around them so much that im starting to pick up their shitty behaviours- ie)manipulation tactics. anyways............ midterm to study for and paper to finish. probably getting HIGH and going to seee alice in wonderland tomorrow. havent been high in ages though.

very hungover today. will be up all night writing a paper. also got rejected by CM. life sucks and karmas a fucking bitch.

I had a dream last night that I was murdered. He came in the dark and slit my throat and I could feel like blood oozing out of my neck and I could feel my life oozing out of me at the same time. I knew I was dying and there was nothing I could do. And I died. I was so scared in the dream, I knew there was a killer on the loose and I knew he was going to come to my home. I remember thinking that all I wanted to do was go to craigs apartment because then I wouldnt be so scared. And now today I feel all mixed up. The dream woke me up in the middle of the night. Dreams neevvvver do that to me. Fuck I was so scared. I really thought I was dead. I never want to feel that way, I never want to feel my life leaving me. Im thinking about giving craig a chance. No idea how I would go about doing it though. My entire reading week I have spent listening to my roommates cry. It has taken so much out of me and I just want to tell them to fucking suck it up. Life is hard, your going to get your heart broken. I did this summer and I dealt with it all on my fucking own. Im still dealing with it but you dont see me bawling my eyes out in every room of the house, forcing people to listen me, saying the same 5 things over and over again as if its going to change reality, asking people for hugs. I actually fucking hate when girls ask for hugs. ugh im mixed up. i need people to leave me alone for a while. i just want to hang out in an empty library and go for a long run on a cloudy day.

In my planning and policy classes we are learning about goals and objectives. so i am going to appl this to my life now. i have 3 goals: 10.5+ on the beep test Academic All-Canadian Save $500 for Europe So in order to do these 3 things, I need to Hit the gym!! Do my work Get a job, save what I make After what happened with Brendan this weekend at Bubbles, I am now free to waste no more time. I dont have to wonder anymore and that feels really nice. No more going to the bar just in hopes of seeing him. That waass pretty pathetic. I just need to focus on myself right now and what I need to do to accomplish my goals. Once I do that, good things will follow

i now have $4 to my name. im not kidding. because of this, i have to wake up at 5:45am tomorrow [hmm.. technically in 5 hours] to go babysit. BABYSIT. who knew i was 15 years old again. not sure whats wrong with me. i have 2 late assignments that i have yet to finish start. like fuck. i love my program. why the fuck cant i focus and push myself. all i want to do is party and socialize and make boys love me. what a waste of space i am. im going to make an appointment to get tested for ADD. and other mental disorders. because i must have fucking something.

shorty wat ya drank? i have about $80 to my name right now. how the fuck did that happen? just checked my online banking and almost vomited. aghhhh i need a job. i need a lot of things. some fucking self control would be pretty good right now too.

these are the two things that are making me feel better: i love college by asher roth and sunscreen song lyrics that i have taped up on my wall. i love college makes me happy because it reminds me that i am supposed to be having fun in university, not stressing about stupid assignments, people, or situations. youre only in university once right? may as well have the time of your life. my favorite quotes from the sunscreen song: "dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algrebra equation by chewing bubblegum" [just live my life and take what comes] "enjoy your body, use it every way you can" [im doing yoga, playing basketball, volleyball, and soccer, and going to the gym regularly] "get to know your parents, you'll never know when they'll be gone for good" [this is especially significant because i keep having dreams about my dad dying and they are earth shattering] "understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on" [i am making a concious effort to be a better friend to those i care about most - mainly laurie, slye, emily, byron, and craig] "don't expect anyone else to support you" [focusing on budgeting my money - groceries and alcohol -, and getting a job] and most significantly - "dont be reckless with other people's heart, and dont put up with people who are reckless with yours" i need to talk to craig and be honest about how i feel. he doesnt deserve this. i have felt what he feels now and that pain has ruined me. i wish i wasnt so terrified to talk about feelings to anyone except this blog. and i will also not put up with people who dont treat me well. i am slowly trying to make myself okay, by being everything but perfect. maybe perfectionism and my constant schedules and to-do lists are really whats driving me mad?