so life is at an all time low. so bad in fact that i have actually told 2 people how miserable i am. and it made me feel a bit better. its obvious that i need to do something about it. the only solution i can think of is to see a psychologist when i go home for summer. i hope my parents will pay for it cause i cant afford it. but i think they will because they know that something has been wrong for a very long time. wow i just imagined my dad picking me up from the airport and i am now crying. wow i want to be home so bad. i dont care about anything here.
BUT while im here, i need to survive and finish this semester as best as humanly possible. so i need to focus on myself. i need to forget about ron, forget about craig, forget about everyone at that kegger. im home in 2 weeks. those people dont matter.but before i forget about them, i am going to talk about them. so me and craig havent spoken in a very long time. today he texted me:
CM: Dear miss ____________, I have landed back on earth, how the hell are you? [the blank is my full name, which im not putting on the internetz]
me: honestly not too stoked on you right now craig
CM: ya assumed that, good luck on exams [ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?]
me:Wow.. Im glad us being friends is so important to you?
no response
im shocked really. what is with fucking guys thinking that can fuck me over and then just text me a month later and expect things to be okay? seriously- what the fuck? and when they release im not going to take it, they shut off and act so unfazed. craig, you can go to hell. have fun with your fucking ugly girlfriend. he has chnaged so much though... he doesnt care about anybody anymore. he used to really care about me.. im sad i lost that. im sad he losing himself to what he THINKS is important: money & status.
anyways, now i will talk about ron. he is the boy i went on a date with. and things are different with him. him and i can talk for hours. i rarely find that in ANYBODY. even B i had a lot of difficulty talking to at times. i dont know though, im way to fucked up right now to really get into anything. and i leave in 2 weeks. so maybe next year? ha. not sure how he feels about things. slye keeps warning me that he has no emotions. not sure thats entirely true though. slye also told me that he never talked to anyone about his mom (she died) - not even his old girlfriend. but him and i have talked about it at length. weve talked about his entire family. i have trouble talking about myself though, because hes been through so much and i feel like ive been through so little. well not a lot has happened TO me, but i have observed many things happen around me. anyways, havent seen him this week because i have had the week from hell.
anyways. now that thats out, i can forget about them. i need to focus on myself. i just looked up at the goals i have posted on my wall:
- academic all-canadian
- 10.5+ on the beep test
- save $500 for europe
wow.... i havent been for a run in weeks. i am doing horrible in school. and i have pretty much $0 and no job. good fucking job!! ok better to start later than never right? tonight i am focusing on school - its 3am and i have to get 3 things done before i go to bed: 1. my theory paper (only like 10 more pages... no big deal right?), 2. program planning evaluations (almost done!), 3.my take home policy exam thats due tomorow. on these are done i am going to sleep for a very long time and then write my 20 page lit review for monday. once that is done i am going to start running my butt off. and maybe do a couple crunches. and i will be studying for my 2 exams which i need to get 100% on in order to MAYBE be an academic all canadian. havent been to class in a very long time so we'll see. and as far as saving money goes, i have none to save and need to eat. so ill just stop buying shitty/expensive food i guess. anyways.....
all-nighter startssss...... now!