soooooooo. had a kegger last night. was a great success, 50+ people in our tiny house, nothing broken, nothing stolen, no noise complaints, no cops. but as usual i got way to drunk. made out with this guy i just met at the party for the entire night. in my room (i think), in the palace lineup, on the palace dancefloor.......... ugh. i could barely even speak i was so drunk. like i fucking saw brendan, im pretty sure i was making out with that guy while standing right beside him. he said hi and i couldnt even respond. and he just walked away. i felt soo fucking dumb, and still do, and know for sure that whatever might have happened definately never will now. i think i have successfully made every boy that has liked me hate me. apparently i told craig last night that I FUCKING LIKED HIM, and then he saw me making out with that boy all night. im such an idiot!!!!! one, for telling him something that is completely not true and two, ripping his heart out after he sees that its not true.CR slept in my bed last night. we didnt hookup but i do have a crush on him. he has a girlfriend though. so he probably shouldnt have been in my bed.

anyways, the point is, im giving the partying a rest for a while.i would only see brendan when i went out, and the made me go out way too much. and that is just the wrong way to meet guys. especially when im always stupidly drunk. and now that things are over with brendan, im just not going to bother. school is going to become a shit show and i just need to be focusing on myself. this week im just going to keep to myself... go to class, the gym, the library (GCL). volunteer. maybe the grocery store one day. i want to deactivate my facebook and turn off my phone too. going to get back to my healthy eating as well.

and even when i do go out, i just need to be more casual. i dont understand why i have to get fucking wasted before i head to the bar. what is the point of that?

im almost happy ive been given this reality check because i reallly needed something to motivate me to stop. lets see how this goes.