i am just going to let my mind wander..... hoping some sanity may come out of it. just watched 3 episodes of the vampire diaries. want to be loved so much it hurts me inside. it consumes me. i want this new boy to love me.. brendan. am i just one of those stupid girls who thought there was so much chemistry and thought he genuinely liked me when really for him it was just like any other night? am i REALLY one of those girls? i fucking must be i guess. i just dont know what the fuck went wrong and i feel SO PATHETIC that i cant even talk to anyone about it. im too embarrassed. i wont even make this blog public so complete strangers cant even read about this. my biggest fear is to be one of the girls. i think i change when talking to boys. try to gauge what i think they might be interested in and change myself and the way i answer things to suit them. im never reaallllyy true to myself. with anyone really. not even my best friends in this house. and i think its obvious. i think its obvious that i am not confident in who i am. which is such a turnoff. SUCHA turnoff. maybe it was something i said that night. cause i waaasss really drunk and already know i said something i shouldnt have. but i didnt think it mattered because in the morning he was so nice. just kissing me and being cute.UGHHGHURGIBDVBFDVBPQBVGCK VDBDIVBAIVBDFSHIBIF IVBF WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! man i need to get my shit together. that was what i attempted to do tonight instead of going out. but what did i do? made myself want to die by watching people SO in love on vampire diaries. like i just dont know what do. i need to do school work but all i can think of is how lonely i am. i think the reason i dont have confidence in who i am is because im scared of being rejected for being that person. im scared boys wont like me if they see that person. BUT REALLY (OOO EPIPHANY) ITS WORKING EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE. when i first meet these boys they dont like me because im not confident. but once they get to know me and we become good friends, they fall for me. and thats when i become uninterested. SO BOYS DO LIKE ME FOR WHO I AM. when they really know me. why didnt i see this before? ive already talked about this. okay but now the question is, how do i change these ingrained habits? why cant i just be who i am all the time? why cant i just be that confident person all the time? what is the missing thing? the missing thing might be happiness... and that im so scared of losing the tiny bits that come my way that ill do anything to keep them. including losing myself. speaking of losing myself, i just heard lady gagas song "wonderful" today.. and it really is wonderful. anyways sorry. so i have found the problem, which is: -i change who i am so boys will like me, but the boys that actually do like me like me for who i am. cause: -ive been lonely for so long that im actually desperate for something to hold on to solution: -?????? -make my own happiness by achieving my goals (school work done, getting a job, and getting back to the gym) and good things will follow suit. i need to focus on myself and be in-tune with myself. i need to be selfish at times and not give in to pressures from myself or others. i just bought $100 worth of super healthy groceries, so im hoping that getting back to eating better will start to bring me back to my normal self. im also going to get a full nights sleep tonight (hopefully), and wake up relatively early for the football game tomorrow. i think i am going to unprivate this journal entry, not because anyone will read it, but to show that i am proud of my epiphany and who i am.