my friend's friend died the other day, and she had to speak at the funeral. she put her eulogy on facebook and i read it. been crying for a while now and i didnt even know the girl who died.

it just made me think about how i want to be remembered.

anyways.

i want to using sitdiary more again. and write more coherent entries. i need some sort of outlet as i dont really trust anyone right now [i dont know why]. i think its because i sort of opened myself up to craig, made myself very vunerable, and was shut down - in a sense. its hard to explain what happened, what it means, and how i feel about it. but i wish i had never said anything - not because i was rejected, but because he will forever have this false idea of me, and i think that will change things a lot.

because really, i dont actually LIKE him. i just didnt want him dating someone else. i wasnt willing to share him, or lose him like i did last time he had a girlfriend. and me being drunk, thought it was a good idea to be manipulative and tell him that i had feelings for him. which i guess technically isnt a lie, but i definately dont like him in the way im sure he interpreted it. and thats a shame, because i wont correct it. because i deserve this for being so shitty.

i guess when you begin to lose your friends though, you have more time to focus on yourself. and i definately have a lot of self-improvement to begin. i fucking hate having no guy friends here. girls are so much god-damn drama, and i think ive been around them so much that im starting to pick up their shitty behaviours- ie)manipulation tactics.

anyways............ midterm to study for and paper to finish. probably getting HIGH and going to seee alice in wonderland tomorrow. havent been high in ages though.