seriously. just fucked. today i got reamed out by my prof in front of my classmates for not having my lit review done. i wanted to die. its 330am and im trying to work on it and i..... just cant. why? i dont fucking know. i met another boy on the weekend. well i already knew him a little and he had been asking CM about me.. so i thought id look into it. we talked all night at the bar and then i went to his house and we talked for ages in his bed and just kissed, and he didnt even try anything and it was soooooo nice. he kissed really nice. the way i like to kiss. but i feel as though i think this all the time. its too good and it wont work out. i really want to talk to him but im too shy/scared to text him... i dont know what to do but i cant stop thinking about it cause im just so lonely and pathetic right now!! and i just want to phone my dad and tell him that i cant write this paper and i want him to tell me he still loves me even though i suck at school. or just writing papers. im just so pathetic right now. why do i need affection so bad. i dont understand. i hate it. why cant i just be a schizoid who has no desire/need for company or meaningful relationships. life would be so easy. i really want to know whats wrong with me though. like what do i do or say? maybe its because i always meet boys when im drunk and then im just nervous around them any other time and mess up my words. but you know what? i should just have some more fucking confidence because i know everything i have going for me.... im pretty, im smart, im a varsity athlete, im too fucking nice. it must be confidence. how can i fake confidence though? thats what ive been trying all along and so far i dont think its working. i just wish i could focus on myself for once and no one else because i have so much that i NEED to do. -i need to finish all my schoolwork (paper, presentation, paper) -i need to start going to the gym and yoga -i need to find a job okay. the clock is ticking to 4am. im gonna go have a redbull and start working. wish me luck. fake it till its real.