right now my sleeping schedule is this: go to bed around 5-6am, wake up at 12pm, then have a nap around 5pm. my diet is horrendous, i dont even want to write about what I ate yesterday, and today. Im completely off schedule with my birth control pill and and i drink at least 2 redbulls and coffee per day. I rarely leave my house. I sit in this desk, or lay in my bed, all day and stress about this paper and try and write this paper. all to no avail. So I am either going to get a blood clot, have a heart attack, or die on the spot from sheer poor health and exhaustion. shitttty.

i want this all to be over so bad. so bad that i cant focus on ending it myself (by doing my work, not killing myself silly).ughh its just painful. but whatever. i am just excited for my "summer of self-improvement". that is what i have deemed this summer to be. just because this year was soo rough on every level. I was depressed, lonely, sucked at soccer, was out of shape, ate like shit, was completely broke, not confident, did horribly in school, antisocial, got black-out drunk practically every time i drank...... shall i go on? however, if i did improve one thing, it was becoming a better friend - at least to slye.

so this summer, i already have my job set-up where i will be making a fat paycheck, and a budget so I will save wayy more than i spend. i am also going to be seeing a psychologist to work through depression and what not.. im pretty nervous for that. i have my mandatory workout schedule, my soccer teams, doing yoga again, have my parents buying my groceries again, and ill be with my friends again. i also REALLLLYYY want to stop drinking. just for the summer. but i know that i will get sooo much shit from my friends if i do. i really dont want to have to deal with that. i think i will just cut down quite substantially, and when i do drink, only bring a small amount to wherever im going. like 4 beers. or a mini-mickey. i plan on volunteering a lot too. just keeping myself really busy and healthy and happy is my goal. im going to plan this in more detail later but now i will continue working on my paper