yeah i was about to explain something about me & emily. but. well she just found an old picture of carissa when she was pretty... and i was like "she was pretty, huh?" and she couldnt find any words and when she did she said ".. you know how i felt about her.." and i know i shouldnt get upset about that... its in the past. im not upset. its just not something i really wanted to hear. cuz i dont feel like i could ever ammount to the way emily felt about carissa. i cant believe this still digs at me at all. i think its just cuz she said that... totally sucks. but let me explain what i was gonna... well i was gonna say that, i may have these crushes, and i think "oh god i totally wanna go out with them" and i think maybe itd be better if i did... but. no way. in hell. because emilys way different. i mean i have crushes, but shes just. us. shes mine. shes my special, sober, non-fucked up life, shes my stability, my home, my substance-free happiness. and i could never get rid of that. because crushes and this amazing relationship are so different. and i would never give this up for some fun with a crush. god i love her. and i understand how lucky i am to be 15 and have this kind of relationship. someone the other night said we were really lucky... but she was saying because we were both girls. and ive never looked at it that way. i just think were lucky because we're young and happy and love each other. and thats amazing to have that. i feel so fucking lucky.