eew. I feel stifled, gross, bored, i don't know. I don't know how I feel and it's annoying. And I don't know what I want to do with myself (besides get out of the house and go see my sir, but that is illegal). Ugggh and I'm so mad that this is totally ended because of my fucking over-protective of his daughters sex life dad. Gah. Because now I'm sure that he's thinking "okay, no more feeling about Caitlin" and I'm sure that he's thinking "okay, I'll just move away" and I'm sure that he's thinking "oh well, it wasn't important anyways, I knew it'd end up like this". Gah does he really not care at all? That's what I see. I see him not caring that he can't hang out with me and not at all into it anymore. Fuck you. I hate going back and forth between loving you to death and fucking hating you. Okay, I never fucking hate him. I just get angry and. Oh dear jeeez I'm pissed that he doesn't care and that I don't know how he feels and that this seems so unimportant now. I have this really deep fear that once he leaves life will be boring, depressing, and unsatisfying again. I think the only reason it got so good was because of him, and that's a little pathetic, and makes me feel kind of bad about myself and why don't I have any more boys lined up? Really, why do I only get one at a time, and they are always spaced out about 6 months or a year from the previous. I hate droughts. Boy droughts. And I hate that this one's ending un-naturally. And I'm embarrassed of my dad. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. save me from this dry brown area. because that's the way life feels right now. dry. empty. brown. like a desert. i don't want to be grounded anymore, it only makes things worse.