I'm in the goddamned library at school and I'm totally making this private because this diary is pathetic and uncreative. Ellison's not at school tomorrow and if that's the only reason I'm in here, I hate myself. Mainly because that means I have no friends. Anyways I'm in that state of "fuck I rock" mixed with "god I hate myself". When isn't there this lame battle? The image of Kelamie crying on the steps and the moon roof being open keep popping into my head and making me feel like shit. Shit shit shit you terrible person who still doesn't care. Anyways I feel terrible about Ellison. But I feel sorry for myself, not him. I've warmed myself up so much for love and now I don't have any. And I know what I want; I want a man. But I don't have a man and I'm not getting a man and boo hoo hoo hoo I can't wait to be older in Scotland. I've realized that I have always felt like I need to hurry up and find my life partner love slop. Yeah, totally unrealistic expectations created by my sister and slapped on to myself by the one and only myself. Does everyone do this? They must. It must be a human's desire to fill in the other half of their soul and I know everyone's longing for someone else, right? Speaking of soul, let's speak God. When God doesn't mean anything everyone who likes him sort of sucks. But thanks to the spiritual literature I've been exposed to, I'm starting to understand. STARTING, key word. This whole religous shit is really quite amazing and I find it most entertaining to work my way on the path to understanding my spirituality. In fact, it's beautiful. It's my dream to go on a spiritual journey. I want the old wise man to teach me his ways and the meaning of life and then I want to reach enlightenment and feel like I'm in a canopy of white flowers that all belonggggg. Maybe that's another human goal that everyone else has: enlightenment. Is this true because I can't help feeling that everyone is pretty much exactly the same, with some people denying their inner desires too much and some people interpreting their inner desires too much, creating the differences in us all. I feel like everyone else should feel exactly the same way I do because we are all made up the same. But then I realize, No Caitlin, everyone is different from you and that doesn't make them wrong. Speaking of diversity, I'm realizing that the kids in my classes that I think semi-highly of because they're different are just smaller versions of what they'll be as adults. One day they're going to be those lame people who still wear socks with sandals and awful vests and is always uptight and conservative. And someone it's cute when they're young but just gross when they're old. And I'm sorry for not being specific but I cannot since I think this of everyone. Are you mad Caitlin, you've been sitting in this library the whole lunch period writting in an online journal and you don't feel guilty and you don't feel like you've wasted a break. I find the thought of being alone every break at school to be so romantic but I think realistically I'd get bored and lonely. However, I think I could do this. Maybe I'll just do this more often. I could be so intelligent. Spending an extra half hour a day reading and writting and thinking about spiritual enlightenment enhancement understanding. It's amazing the freedom you can feel when you just write write write thinking that no one will read yet not making it too guilty and unintelligable poor. And then those 5 minutes before you have to go your mind stops because what if I get on an amazing thought and then I have to stop. That would be terrible. So anyways has anyone realized how unbelievably short our lunch period is? I've been writting this whole time, doing nothing else, and I already have to go to class in 3 minutes. Dying for transition that isn't comming I hate that I can't last that long without wandering off and how many journeys have I been on throughout my life? How many people have I been? It's incredible to think of where I've been and what I've done and how many times I've been unhappy with my state and wanted to move move out of this and meet new people and learn new things and here I am again. But I'm not desperately depressed, although I'm not sure I can ever deny my depression. It's just a friend of mine that's always with me and inspiring me and killing me and loving me. And ohhhhhhh Caitlin you are the most fabulous person I know because I know all of you. And I want more more more intelligence please someone help feed my mind.