Last night I was convinced that I was going crazy. I did some interesting therapy on thursday and I think it brought something from my memory to the surface and I never completely cleared it. Because now my anxiety level is high again. Well, it was yesterday. It got bad a couple times at school, and then again because I realized that I really didn't want to hang out with Brittany and Vanessa. They've called me 3 or 4 times today and I haven't picked up. I feel as though they just want to get high and well, I feel almost vulnerable right now. I don't really want to hang out with very many people. I enjoy my own company much more than others. And I feel like there's something corrupt with Brittany & Vanessa right now. I don't know what it is, but it makes me nervous and uncomfortable and I really want to be alone. When I got home yesterday I got incredibly paranoid about my room and cleaned it like crazy. I even cleaned the top of my computer desk. I'm assuming it's some sort of anxiety thing. Me trying to control as much as possible. My room has been clean for over a week. I clean it every day. Yet it still gets that "lived in" feel which is due in part to tiny things on the floor that you just don't notice. And I don't like it. I cleaned all those up and vacuumed. I thought that maybe today I could invite Brittany and Vanessa to spend the night. But then I realized that I really don't want to. And this is terrible; to not want to see anyone. I'm going into town with my mom today and then I'm staying home with the dog. I'm going to give him a bath and videotape him for my sister. And really I don't want to do anything else. I'm making myself nervous. There's got to be something wrong with it. I've also started to be very interested in becoming an intellectual. I really really like books and have tons to read. I want to learn a lot and I want to be really smart and I want to substitute a normal social life with books. I really do. Ellison's made me a lot of CDs lately and I really like the company of good music and good books. It's all I need. I hope.