Yesterday was really good followed by really bad. I had tutoring, got a pay check, saw people's costumes, made caramel apples, got scared out of my mind by myster E. That was good. Then me, Ellison, Wes, Johnathon Breiner went to see Saw. It was very very very gruesome, scary, enveloping, FUN. I felt great afterwards, rolling down the windows after taking off layer after layer just to get down to the tank top. JB & I got along for the first time in weeks, aaaaand Ellison got jealous. Because he hugged me and gave me his sweatshirt and smoked cigarettes with me. Soooooooo. Ellison's taking me back to my place, and no one is talking and I'm HAPPY like this. And then he decideds that we need to talk about "us". I said "I don't do 'I feel' statements very well" and that was the last thing I said. My mouth went clamp, my eyes turned away, and I didn't say anything the rest of the ride, while he was begging me please please say something. Here are some key lines: "I mean... what do you feel? Do you feel anything? I don't care, just please tell me." "I really like you, I can be myself around you and you're.. you're amazing and .." "Well does this mean this is the end? What? I... I don't know." It was so uncomfortable and I couldn't speak and my head was screaming "I CAN'T TALK!!" and my voice couldn't get out and I didn't know what to do. Now I know I have to say something to him. I think I'll do it in a powerpoint. Yes, a powerpoint. I'm sorry Ellison, but I don't love you and I'm not going to and this is never going to be that serious and for all you care I don't feel at all and you should be comfortable with the idea that it could end tomorrow. Because with me, it can end tomorrow. That's what I should have said. But sometimes my voice refuses to come out. So then I slept with the light on because I was so scared. And that is the end of it all. Today I have to take Vanessa to a pumpkin patch and go thrifting and clean my room. I ignore people a lot. And I kind of like that.