things have been pretty fucking shitty lately. i am a swinging ball of moods. i keep going into these bouts of depression that are hard to get out of but they eventually do and im normal again. and then they come back a few hours later. and i hate it. ive been depressed with the world lately. everything has seemed so pointless. i hate thinking about that. usually i dont because i know its pointless and depressing and i know not to think about it. now i cant help it. we talk about life after death and religion and women presidents and war and all this shit in history and it depresses me so much. i wish i had faith. i wish i had belief in life after death. i wish i believed in some meaning for life. its so depressing not to have anything. i have felt so worthless lately. i dont feel suicidal, just "why the fuck am i doing this?". some days i feel like a zombie. pulling myself through these motions for no apparant reason. do your homework. drag yourself to class. go to bed early. yada yada yada. it seems pointless. i feel like there is nothing in this whole entire world that i am here for. and i hate it. my life in itself has become worthless. i dont know who i am in this world, and i dont know if ANYONE is anyone in this world. i dont understand why ANYTHING is here and why ANYTHING is the way it is. it seems like a bunch of random shit pulled into this ugly world. i cant stand how helpless i feel. i think i really need to get that camera back. i can see beauty if i let myself turn into a camera lense. oh how i wish i was a camera lense. then i would be happy. maybe once i start taking pictures ill feel like im doing something. i really need something right now. i dont think im doing anything for myself. wow. i just solved the problem. im not doing anything for myself. maybe i should go to the gym too. i ate pizza today at lunch. and pizza pockets afterschool. and then i just couldnt stop. eew. on the bright side, my drama costume is really fun.