First off, there is something completely wrong with me because I can't feel. And therefore my creative energy supply is completely cut off and I'm not as intelligent as I should be and the only feeling I have is give me boys. Second off, Charlie knows. I saw him again this week, his coworker starred at me like she knew and then he looked directly at me and smiled a big cheeky niggerish smile that didnt say "you're cute" but probably just means that he knows. And I'm the little cutish white girl that has a crush on a big black man that looks like jesus and he must be laughing at me all day. And I'm creepy and can't see him for a long long time. He knows. But it's always romantic when I see him. Like last week, when I saw him and some 15 year old dressed like a 13 year old sang the I will always love you Whitney Houston Bodyguard song while I stared at him. I think I'm lonely beyond repair and I can't feel that so there's just a general muck about my being. I feel devoid of anything special: any personality or charm or intelligence. I am dry. Tomorrow I go to my phsycotherapist and tonight I filled out forms for her. And my realization is that there is nothing interesting about me. Something needs to come to life and I can't pin point it. 2 weeks vaca after 2 more days. I'm determined to come alive in those two weeks. My regrets have been flying through my mind every second. There's always something wrong and I'm always ignoring it. At least I have plenty of cute boys to fantasize about in class.