I feel like through all my years (yes, I'm going through an I-am-old phase again), I have never truly accomplished anything. I feel as if I've always been build up of so much potential, so much potential to write something amazing or dream up something amazing or to just do something amazing. Yeah, I truly do think that I could do something great. And I've always felt like that. Perhaps I'm just very egotistical and think I'm above it all, but that doesn't change how I feel. And I feel as if I have never been pushed and have never pushed myself. Highschool was a joke. I only ever learned anything in my freshman year. When I look back on my life, what I see as my most difficult and trying tasks are excelling in math and getting over love. That's it. Perhaps acting, but that just sort of happened, and that was more of a character change than an actual skill I developed. The point is, how much longer does this go on? Do I wake up one day, 45, and realize that I still haven't accomplished anything? And why haven't I? Has smoking weed zapped all my motivation? Will anything change if I stop smoking? And do I even care to stop smoking? It never does me wrong, except for these feelings of having done nothing. I think I'd like to stop. I'd like to become a nerd, do my own thing, stop hanging out so much and start studying everything. But I've felt like this before. And nothing has changed. Why? I always feel like relaxing. Doing nothing. Take a break, have a good time. Is my whole life one big break? I started thinking like this because I had to think seriously about college. About what I want to study and what I want to do with my life. I decided that I like art, I like film, and I like writing. I think I'm going to take art classes, film classes, writing classes. I want to study philosophy and anthropology but I don't see a career coming out of these. My brain is hungry like a dried up sponge. Hungry. I feel an anxiousness to do something with my life and yet something has been postponing my action for ages. I'm happy, but I'm not happy with my position. Is it possible to re-write it all? I don't think I want to float through life anymore, I think I'd rather take the reins and start placing my feet firmly in front of each other. I want to guide my life strongly, I want to go somewhere, I want to feel accomplished. I'm tired of feeling like a failure when I compare myself to my sister and my dad, but still feeling like I have a brain just as good if not better than theirs. I want to fulfill my own potential. And exceed it. So wanting I'm sure is the first step. How do I accomplish it?