i may never have kids. and i may never get married. theres so many things i never think about. so many things im just waiting for the future to unfold. watching so many parents look at their children the way they do. loving someone so much. and i realize that i might not ever even get that chance. even if id want to. i may never have a kid of my own no matter how bad i want one. i dont have a problem with who i am. its never been too big of a problem. but im just waiting for the future. maybe ive been too emotional. you know, though, its amazing. i started out not wanting labels, restrictions, but they came anyways. and ive kind of left them. i dont see myself as a lesbian, or a bisexual, or anything of that sort anymore. im suprised everytime i hear a question dealing with that. its like walking up to some random person and saying "how much do you like the opposite sex? what about the same sex?" its just kind of random, its not something you try to decide ever day of your life. i havent been comparing how much i like either sex anymore. its not a big deal. im so glad that this part of me is no longer a big deal. ive still yet to come out. oh god i laughed at this on friday. i still have to come out. ive been open for a year and i have to tell someone?? so when i make new friends, i dont tell people, "hey wanna know something? i like girls!!!". most people know anyways, and its not something you tell people, especially first getting to know them. so one cover up has lead to the next. and now its almost like a secret to ashley. i need to tell her. i feel like im keeping a secret. i just dont know how to bring it up now. ive already introduced emily as my friend. this is so weird that i have to do this again. it frightens me when people dont really know. i get to know people assuming they do. so when they dont, you begin to question what theyll think. i cant believe that i care. i havent cared in so long. but i guess the time has come to come out of the closet like grandmother in little red! i think too much sometimes. and i cant believe i just wrote about that shit.