i feel like shit. i dont know how to explain why/how i feel. so ill start from the beginning. ive had the most stressful week this week. school and shit. really fucking sucks. and the fact that i dont think ive slept in a week. so this weekend i just wanted to kick back. enjoy myself. forget about school. so i stayed at emilys. i guess ill say that ive been wanting her since i got in her bed yesterday. which is frustrating. but things kept comming up, gotta go to the meeting, watch this movie, go to sleep, finish this movie, oh now lets watch this movie. okay, so i wasnt in the mood to push things. so, i figured wed lay in bed all day, enjoy eachother. and i was. i had wanted to get stoned this weekend, fuck up, but being with her i decided a lot of things. i decided that i definately wasnt going to do coke everyday simply to lose weight. and that i didnt even wanna get stoned this weekend. just hang out with her. but this bitch chanell keeps calling and calling. she obviously has this mondo i-dont-care-about-anyone-else crush on my girlfriend. so she wants to hang out with her. im definately not one to feel good about holding back emily from anything. so i say its cool if she goes. okay, i really didnt want her to go. because i just wanted to lay in bed. chanell on the phone kept saying shit about how i wasnt gonna let emily have any fun. okay not straight out. but i got the point. so i felt like shit. and then i heard emily yelling at her mom trying to be able to go to this thing with chanell and chris. and it was stressful. and i started to cry because i was so tired of stress. lately ive been having this thing where i feel... kinda like im thirsty. but im not thirsty and im not hungry. its just uncomfortable. and i got that again. and heard stress again. and cried. so then emily wants me to leave earlier. and i feel like shit. i wanted to be with her all day. and now shes going off with this bitch thats gonna kiss her. yeah. i know it. emily flirts. i trust emily. i wouldnt trust chanell with anything tho. and i hate her. especially for what she was saying on the phone. i think thats what made me want to let her go. chanell made me feel like i was holding her back. god i hate this. i have a massive headache. so yeah. my relaxing day was pretty much shot down. and i didnt get to really love my girlfriend. i didnt really get to do anything i was really hoping for. i dont want to get stoned. i dont want to get high. i dont even wanna see desiree. i just want to see emily. and i cant. and i hate myself so much for saying i really dont care if she goes. i think im going to die right now i cant handle it......... ahh this is toe curling. i swear to god all i want right now is emily. all emily. emily emily emily emily. im dying. i hate myself. i hate chanell. i just hate. i dont know whats left to say. but i think i left everything out. bye. ps. emily. please. please please please please stop mocking me. i hate saying this cuz it makes me cry too. but stop mocking me. i know you dont give a fuck, you dont see anything wrong with it, and that makes it bad too, cuz it makes me feel like shit and you do it all the time. and its even worse that ive told you a billion times how much it makes me feel like shit. and you dont care. so please. stop.