we watched Fried Green Tomatos. I tried to hug her or touch her the whole time cuz those little lesbians where just so cute, she told me to watch the movie; i guess she just wasnt feelin it. the movie ended and she wanted to go in the bathroom. we went in the bathroom and i got on top, my legs still sore from the other days. i layed on top and tried to enjoy myself, but felt only disgusted that i was participating in a sexual act. how strange of me to feel like that, though ive felt like that before. long time ago. i felt somewhere else. all i could see was the floor. all i could think about was... .... i dont even know if i thought. switched sides so my leg wouldnt die. and as i layed there with my head in my hands, i almost started to bawl. so i pushed off and layed on the floor with shaking legs. staring. at absolutely nothing. i couldnt look at her after that. i didnt know what was wrong. i got on my pants that looked so wrong in that corner. walked outside and felt just as out of place. i couldnt understand this world. and everyone seemed so stupid to me that they accepted this unfamiliar world that made absolutely no sense. i didnt feel like me. i didnt feel like anyone. i didnt like the world for no reason at all, all i saw was concrete ugliness. no black. no white. just gray. everything so gray. i could never explain to a breathing thing what was wrong with me, so i shut up. im sure this upset emily but what was i to do. i didnt know what was wrong. i just felt. wrong. on another note, on an earlier note. i dont think i like who i look like so much. or who emily wants me to look like. i see her stare at blonde "perfect" girls and think theyre beautiful. and i cant see any beauty in any of them. and i feel like she wants me to look like that. she loves my long hair, highlights from the sun. i think i might hate it. i mean, i see it as very very pretty, but caitlin being very very pretty? it just doesnt fit me. i dont want to be wearing a&f in a tan and streaked blonde long hair. id like to have a choppy cut with pink streaks in it. i love a choppy hair cut. why does hair matter so much? im totally bored with this look. i think its very pretty, again, but im so frightened that im turning into this.. thing. and if thats what emily wants... a girlfriend thats a... thing. a fashion-core prep who lives in a beauty salon... i dont think i wanna go anywhere near it. id rather run in the other direction. im just scared... who do i look like?