fuck this. I'm sad. I don't know why and I think I forgot how to make myself happy and I think I forgot so much and who/what/when/where am I? I had a fabulous evening yesterday. The rest of the weekend was a slight disappointment but I was sure that the feeling I had last night made up for it. But here's the news: I can't escape from having totally unstable emotions. I'm like a teeter totter and when I'm not flying up and down it's because I'm feeling neither good nor bad and I don't like it. I don't, I really really don't but I don't know how to fix it and I don't know how to deal and I don't don't don't. And I know I feel terrible today because I felt ecstatic yesterday and maybe I just had too much time off but jesus christ I feel like I've gone no where. In years, have I gone nowhere? Have I slowly moved one foot in front of the other out of necessity but completely dropped all of the weight I should have been holding, which should have made this journey worthwhile? Because, really, I should understand myself by now, right? I should love myself by now, and I should know what I like by now but I DON'T. I'm starting to think I'm a complete and udder bore and that nothing's really ever right, and that I'm just pretending it is. I want to go on natural chemical highs like I used to. And I don't want to recover from them. And I want my computer back so I can listen to music because I don't have enough money to buy tons of cds and I really need tons of cds because I have no consolence. And oh my god I think I might already feel better. New rule: Feel everything when it comes. Right then, right there. Life will be more fulfilling. I'm going to lay in bed and try to cry so that I will feel better afterwards and I am going to take a shower because I am gross and then I am going to call you (who is Rashonda) because I just realised that friends make me happy.