Why doesn't she like me? I ask the words again and again and I have never been this depressed before in my entire life. I have been methodically taking Oxycodone and lying to him about what it's for because I'm done, I just don't want to think. I lay in bed sometimes breathing deeply, sucking in oxygen and holding it till I choke, afraid to go to sleep because i could never wake up. 120mg is lethal. I have been careful to take only up to 60, but you know how it goes. I'll run out soon, and then what? Then I resort to the maggot ridden thoughts that are fighting with his sister and sometimes wishing he could just choose. Hating that he won't. Hating that I can't make him. Feeling sick and disgusted and angry all the time so that in odd moments of quiet I will turn in on myself and hear only the sound of screaming in my head, punctuated by wild sobbing. I cry myself to sleep at night, but not out of sadness. I am powered every day by rage...and yet, i don't know who to turn it on. Que patetico. Yes, you're right, you of the beautiful words. You, who are so cowardly you hide behind the spanish language and thinly veiled threats. You, who can't even face me in the dark, away from other eyes. You fucking coward.