today is a rainy, sad day in rochester. i borrowed an inflatable mattress from judy today, who is my old riding instructor. as she gave it to me, i asked if i could pet and visit with tank. she opened his house for me and he ate some buttons on my coat. i was happy. driving home i thought back to what i was doing and saying this time last year. and how funny it is that your whole life can change so drastically when one person leaves it. and how some things don't change at all. my windshield wipers squeaking, i began to cry, or rather i wanted to. with the first expel of breath i let loose a half sigh, half moan...and found i'd lost the capacity for tears. my chest felt empty. my melancholy had dried up and been rattled out by one puff of despair. or maybe it was the rain that did my crying for me today. either way, i drove home in silence, staring straight ahead and going the speed limit, not trying to go that route anymore. what is the use of force when it comes to your own mind? i try to live in the moment more and more. there is very little that can disappoint this way. it's all a mystery.