I called Sarah. She freaked out. She kept telling me to sit on my hands on the couch and not do anything, and when she got there I cried and cried and cried for a long, long time. When I was done she just smiled and let me sit in silence for a while, and then I told her all about it. And then we went to Publix and bought gallon tubs of ice cream and ate them at her house, watching stupid 60's movies and playing video games. She took me to the barn afterwards, and after I groomed my horses a bit I felt better. All through the year I had perfected my shell. Inside, I was a broken person, depressed, unstable, unsure. Even suicidal. On the outside i was *Lili!* supergirl, calm, collected, smart. Everything I needed to survive. I don't think anybody noticed how by the middle of the year my eyes began to get less bright and I lost weight. I would go for three day stretches without sleeping because of all the work I had to do. I would often forget to eat, too. But I think I hid it well.. It all has to break down one day, and Matthew's colic did just that to me. I think I'm grateful that it happened. My nervous breakdown today, I mean. My dad drove me to the ER and everything. But I'm okay now, really. No, I'm not. But I'm working on it. I thank God every day for my wonderful parents. I thank Him for Sarah. I thank Him for Matt and Riley. I thank Him for Lena, who may not know me personally, but still worries like she's related to me. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. But I'm getting there. With the help of my friend and my family, I will rise again. Hope is the only thing I have to cling to, and yet it is a strong illusion. I'm going to go finish that chapter for Lena now. I can't give up--not yet. Oh. And Kornacki, QUIT BOTHERING ME, YOU WEIRD STALKER! See entry before about my rant on men. I talk about you. Jerk.