There is no difference, I feel, between who I am in the day and who I am at night. I am constant--static, even--stuck like a gerbil in a hamster ball. I am Lili by day and I am Lili by night and nothing changes that, ever. Except for when I'm alone. Last night my mom had a few drinks with her friends at the barn and they made me go away because they were talking about adult things. I felt like a scolded cat. Wrapped up in a towel and stuffed into a crate. It was dark, and pretty brisk, and I really wanted to go home because face it kids, we'd been there hours and I was wet and smelled like shit. I sat in paddock three and pulled my knees up to my chest and stared ahead into the something. My eyes focused and unfocused and focused and unfocused until everything was just a stupid triad of the millions of colours that make up Black. I hated being alone. I hated that my ass was cold and that there were things living in those woods and rednecks and druggies in the town all around us. I hated that my thoughts went immediately to poor me poor lili youve been abandoned and that all I could think about was parties and booze and being kissed wrong and hurt. The horses snuffled around me and I occupied myself by braiding the forelocks on their proffered heads. I wish I were a horse, I thought. I wouldn't ever worry. They called me back at around ten thirty. I blinked in the whining drone of the mosquito lights and my nostrils snarled at the citronella candle from the feed store down the way as mom downed her cognac and sprite. I drove us home. I felt like crying, but I couldn't tell you why. Sometimes, I just really miss the people I've pushed away from me. Sometimes I wonder what I would have done if I'd been different back then like I am now, but then I realise that without having done any of those things, I wouldn't even be different at all. And that truly scares me, that every time I grow it is the direct or indirect result of something I have done, or that someone has done to me--I feel like I am the cradle of civilization and older than the seas. I feel like Human Error. I am the original Eve. Woman. In me one sees the eyes and hearts of millions of girls just like me, and it frightens me too that I carry all this within my genetic code. And yet, I am static. I am constant. I worry about the weather and whether or not you should hate. --Our Lady Peace