sometimes i sit back and look at my reflection in the silver-blue water of my bathtub and don't even know what to do. everything in me is screaming that i am too far in, too far in, too far gone, too much heart in this--but there is no way to go back now. i feel like i have my foot caught in a trap--the most delicious, wonderful, pain-free kind of trap--and if i ever begin to get hurt i will have to gnaw through my own skin and bones to get away. the better question is, will i even have the ability? or will i just lie there with glassy eyes, waiting for someone to break my neck for me? I don't know why I talk like this. i just say things sometimes that make me shiver, that put me out of power, that leave me helpless, and the next morning i will wake up with a dry mouth scaredtomystomach because hey, will it change today? okay okay. i know im okay where i am. i need to close my eyes, close my mouth, open my ears, and above all, stop speaking about futures that may or may not ever happen. i get the feeling like i am really starting to scare him sometimes.