i am drenched today in a complete lack of care. i am not even sure what did it to me except that now it is here, or is it, and all i really want to do is shrug and turn my back to the rest of humanity. sometimes i lie in bed in the wee hours of the morning, chewing the cud of a dream and thinking and knowing that there are some things within me i could never show to anyone, or touching over the fresh hurts and wounds and worrying the scars of my day, or biting my nails until they bleed and wondering why sometimes there is no sensation in my fingers at all. i am by no means depressed--i am happy and functional and i have friends and people who love me very much and whom i love back. still, there is always that urge to violently push it all away, to be with me and myself and understand and know i am the only one who will never hurt or betray me. in the wee hours of the morning i close my eyes and swallow back the things i want to not say. i issue a soft sigh and smile gently to myself. i am biding my time. i am never what anyone thinks i am, and in my anonymity, in my skills as an actress, i am safe. i can keep myself intact for as long as i need to and no one can ever take that away from me.