I'm sick and tired of school already. I miss GHP something crazy. Begin section where Lili complains about her life. So I'm getting a tutor in physics because I'm a moron. Everyone gets it but me. My mother's giving me the old "YOU HAVE TO BE TOP 15% OF YOUR CLASS" bullshit and I feel sick to my stomach because it's just not going to happen. I feel ever more nauseous when I remember that I can't complain that it's not my fault, because it is, or that if I wanted to I could, because why don't I??? Pedro and I are getting along OK, but so far that's it. It took me forever to learn Matthew, and I know it's going to take me forever to learn Pedro since he's such a tough ride. If I even TRY to make him do something I'm on my face in the dirt. I have to ask and beg and it sucks because he forgets to steer sometimes. He just got his ankles injected and feels SO GOOD that he jumps everyone regularly out of the tack jumping like a grand prix star over a 3'3" fence and clearing it with like four to spare. I love him so much and it hurts that I seem to keep doing everything wrong! I hate being the loser, and so far everyone is winning winning winning and I work SO HARD for HOURS every day and nothing's coming of it! I'm running out of time! I don't even know how to bring this up, but I'm just not sure about God anymore. I'm tired of pretending like everything's ok, sometimes. I think of everything going on in the world and it's hard for me to say "God loves us" because look! Maybe--maybe God is dead. Maybe God's saddened by us all, maybe God's tired of us and disgusted and we just sit here fighting and clawing and tearing at each other's throats and never once even think to look up and notice the great sky empty. Since when have I started to feel that my prayers have fallen on deaf ears? I don't want to stop believing because I have for so long and I hope desperately that I'm wrong. I don't want to become nothing when I die. People are shocked when I tell them that even going to hell would be better than having nothing after death. I think God was not made for Christians, that's what I think. I think God, whoever He may be, was meant to be a Someone that was supposed to be everyone's, someone to shape us and watch as we ran ourselves into the ground and then fix us again. I like to think that He may not be a knowledgable force but instead a universal pool of love, something to keep us going even when we've become blind to the roads leading away from ourselves in all directions. My friends says I'm going to hell but I think "Isn't it ironic that you think you can judge me, like you're the one who decides where I go?" And you call yourselves friends?