I think I've got two personalitites. The first one is optimistic and cheerful, always ready to smile and laugh and joke. The second side hates her life. She buries herself in mountains of work just so she can escape, but they find her anyways. She has random bursts of anger at people all the time, and she cries often. I don't like either. I'm not anybody. I am nobody anymore. Who am I? I ask Sarah on the phone at seven in the morning, when she calls me, and she tells me. You are Liliya P, she tells me. You like horses and sushi and your favorite colour is green. You have two loving parents, a little brother, a dog, a cat, two horses, and many, many friends. Is that really who I am? Or worse yet: Is it who I want to be? I can't believe I'm saying all of this here. You must all think I've lost it. Sadly enough, I think I'm the sanest person I know.... I had an orthodontist's appointment today. I like this painting in the waiting room. It's a picture of a narrow Mexican street lane, with white adobe houses with little white walls and lacy tableclothed tables. Beyond the town, the sea is so blue it makes my eyes ache. I want to disappear into a painting like that forever, and never come out. I want to be anywhere but here.