What is it that I feel like lately? Who is this new person emerging from my chest cavity, fighting her way out of my mouth? I could never really voice the confusion I feel lately, except that sometimes I get the vague hint that I am missing out on something very important. Such a thought makes me incredibly nervous and sad. Shouldn't we all get a chance to experience the things our bodies feel like we should? Even if they might hurt other people? I don't really know what that means, but I do know that whatever happened between my parents is enough for me to shy away from the thought of any commitment--to anything or to anyone. I used to be so ready to just give everything up, and now I feel like a shrinkled up raisin. I want to be that open, soft, loving person again, but I find myself horrifyingly returning to the same processes day after day that I adopted last Christmas. Sleep, my body says. Rest up for the long winter ahead. But it's a little scary how no matter how long I spend dreaming, I still wish I could be doing that all the time instead of trudging on through October's dreary mornings.