my back hurts. I'm selfish, I know it. it kills. I layed in my mom's arms and watched oprah. cried and fell back asleep. he played the piano for me today. and for a moment we were all alone. I held landen's hand. kaylee held me. I hate this. mum doesn't understand. she tries. I yelled at her. I didn't smile. marcie touched me in the hallway. thomas and I hugged. had my seop. screamed "shut up" held my head. I forgot to sign up for peer tutoring. I'm horrible. If I fail chem I have to take botany. it will be fun. "you only can't do it because you tell yourself you can't" at pas he...yeah. I haven't smiled like that in a long time. today has been so long. i tried to pay attention in my classes. he told me he liked me. my back hurts. I signed up for band inspite of what my mother told me. I did a lot of things inspite of her. I had to take it out on someone. I need to talk to my sister. colby wanted to buy me food...but mom wouldnt let him out in the weather. I hope it snows forever. "I am a princess on the way to my throne" I hated jerry today. I'm sorry. landen got me cookies so i could stand up. the principal took sympathy on me. they said we could talk to them anytime. I'm failing chemistry. i had a c- in algebra! it hurts...my back. he's gone.... I have to still pinch myself. my health is sinking again. im like an old woman. can you just kill me off now? I watched his hair curl over his ears. kaylee touched my ears. or maybe it was adam. i love it when they touch my ears. I want to be good. but im so afraid. or being great. of hurting others. i HATE people. everyone. i want to curl up and dwell in self pitty. they said it was okay to mourn. I want to go outside and lay in the snow. I wonder if its still snowing. I miss you so much. abide with me. it was as if he knew. he always knows. he's not watching from afar. he's standing right next to me. staying strong...for the sake of...him. he did it. so can I. "I can do all things through Christ who strengeths me." what good is a life with no one to share. I'll pick myself up. dust off my pants. and keep going. remember the night in the field. we cried. it was beautiful. shaking. love. real love. no matter what. all the time... abide with me...just for a little while.