these are my true confessions, to the world at least. oh diary, if only I let you in. "without you around its so hard to be me, send a smile out in the mail today hope you get it soon." I hate it when he likes someone new. One day he'll figure out I've been there the whole time. It's a hard day. I'm so self asorbed, so hard on myself. My bishop told me, and so did my doctor, they said "don't be so hard on yourself." its not healthy. "to my best friend one more weekend will you still be there. take a swing I don't care as long you're aiming here..." I haven't thought of anyone except myself for days, everyone must hate me by now. I hate drumline. I hate that...well at least in the pit I was the top of the scum of the band...I can't do it, and I get so intimidated. I told myself if I ever made it on the line I wouldn't complain because I worked so hard to get on it. It used to make me happy. I must practice harder, I need so much help. I don't belong. I haven't read my scriptures in days, I haven't even spoken to him. I'm so so scared. oh take me back to the start, why won't I allow myself to be happy. oh ye of little faith. come and take me. crying so early in the day. I'm going under tomorrow. It'll feel so good to let go. let the doctor pull at my mouth. Dr. pedderson is our new drum man. I should tell my mom. I'm so afraid of needles, I need someone there with me, mom will leave. I need you here with me. I miss sara, come home! I got to see aubree today, she gave me a big hug when I told her about my horrid day yestorday. it was soo soo awkward last night. ... I have this special spot...memory of this summer. so sweet. hmmm. take me back. haha. me and peter talked about this. how I'm just going to break his heart...if I let him in at least. He'll find someone else before I'll get the chance. so afraid of loosing you, so afraid of letting you know me. no body said it was easy. it will be worth it. take me in and just hold my hand, it's all I need, that you can give me. anyone, can you even hear me? why is it that I'm so public about my feelings when with my other diary...it even intimidates me.