It's been so....I don't even know. Up and down. When he told me about his trip and job, I thought he wasn't telling me everything. Well, I've been watching his myspace, and his ex-girlfriend has been showing up in a lot of places. I cried last night because, it's what I expected, but I didn't want it to be true. My mom was so mad. At him for hurting me like that, and not having the balls to tell me it was another girl. So, tonight at church she talked to him outside before church,without me knowingand the first the he said was "I never meant to hurt her." Honestly? I believe that. I don't think he meant to hurt me, but he did. There's no easy way to tell somebody you don't want to be with them. It just wasn't the right time. Besides that? We live in like two totally different worlds. He's got a good steady job working for his dad in the world. I'm still in high school. I'm 15. He's 20. See? But I'm learning a lot. Even though I think he still has my heart. [I need to figure out how to get it back in place] [; First, the night I saw Brian again, I realized that there are more guys out there. Not just Cliff. And it helped me let go a little. Brian showed up long enough for me to realize that. And really? If that job offer in Nashville hadn't of come up? I probably would've had sex with him during this summer. I think it's God talking to me. Trying to get my attention here...I'm kind of sort of realizing that...I shouldn't wait around for him to figure out what he wants. Or wait around until he maybe might come home in a year. My mom is trying to drill into my head I'm much more better than that. I don't know. Just so much. It's not as hard as past break-ups, but it sure as hell isn't easy. I miss him. Everything reminds me of us. I don't understand what makes her so much more better. I don't know why he wasn't in it like I was. I don't understand why this is the third time I've been this vulnerable to a guy, and getting hurt in the end is so possible. I mean, I don't once regret anything that happened. God, I liked him a lot, and still do. I'd probably still do anything for him. I guess I'm really just giving him the rope and letting him lead what happens next. But I'm always working on myself. I'm trying to regain a stand on my own life. Living and learning. Ah, well. I guess it's lights out for now. Just thought I'd update real quick. = Have ever had to love someone That just don't feel the same Tryin' to make somebody care for you The way I do Is like tryin' to catch the rain And if love is really forever I'm a winner at a losin' game