TC's hurting me so badd.

I was doing so good last week before yesterday. We slept together yesterday, and afterwards he wanted to lay there and cuddle and i started crying. I dont even know why and i didnt even mean to, but i just did. I started crying and he was like "Choose between me and josh." I said "dont make me do that tc.." he said "well then ill choose for you." and he got up and got dressed and i was just laying there in my underwear like crying. I didnt know what to do. He was like "im talking to girls and im not going to stop for you at all." and he was like "no one is to know about this. so what all we did was talk today alright?" and he was like "you should give josh your all." and i asked him what i could give him and he said sex was all i could give him. We couldnt talk during school or in front of people, for all they are supposed to know we hate eachother. We can talk at night and when we hook up but thats all. And idk what to do :[ im so sad and stuff. and i know i shouldnt be. I dont know why im not strong right now or what made me so weak. How can he be so close with me, inside of me making love with me and just walk away like that. How can he feel nothing at all? I feel everything. I'm so hurt.

I'm hoping today will be better. I get to see josh tonight all night long so that will get my mind off of things and maybe make me stronger. I think im really upset and hurt because i had nothing to get my mind off of it last night and i cried myself to sleep even after talking to josh for like 30 minutes on the phone. I woke up this morning and was getting ready and just started crying. I'm crying like sporadically. I dont mean to and want to, i just do?

Pleaase. what is wrong with me?

why does this hurt so bad?

"I thought you said it was easy..listening to your heart. I thought you said i'd be okay..so why am i breaking apart. Dont wanna be torn."