literally almost broke today...

this morning, i woke up and got onto josh's myspace. and i took a look at his deleted messages. that is where i found a message from a girl named casey saying "i put my new pictures up for ya, where are mine?" i didnt have much time to think considering i had class to go to so i bitched at josh about why she'd ask that. but then.. i got home and took another look just to find atleast 15 messages they've sent back and forth for a couple of weeks now. they weren't hooking up, and she DOES have a boyfriend, fiance in fact. but flirting WAS there. i flipped SHIT. i was so fucking pissed off and hurt. how the hell can he sit there and tell me i dont need to talk to certain guys, yet be the person im not supposed to be BEHIND my back. one, when i first asked him about casey he told me he didn't know her. once i found out everything it all came out. he continually lied the entire time until i found out about all of it. he deleted the messages and never told me and he swore to me he wasnt hiding ANYTHING. when he called me at lunch these are basically my exact words.

"how the hell can you sit there, and tell me your not lying. you've been lying since the fucking start. i tell you fucking EVERYTHING, and i am trying soo hard to keep us close, and i feel like you blow that off every chance you can. im not going to sugarcoat this because YOU fucked up. YOU lied to me. YOU were borderline to cheating on me. i am not going to let you do this shit to me. you need to know that your title can be 'single' in a heartbeat. dont ask me if were over. you need to tell me that answer. your the one whos been fucking up so you need to think about that. if you cant handle a serious relationship with me then leave. "

then i told him i was gonna talk to him tonight. and tonight he was extremely sorry. he says it over & over, and i believe him. i believe he's sorry he got caught. and after that he's sorry he did something that hurt me and our relationship.

i told him tonight "i hate what happened today. inretrospect, what happened might not be a huge deal, but to me, considering out relationship, it kills me. i know your sorry but i feel like i stopped knowing you the moment i saw those messages. im not sure how to deal with it myself. idk if this is what you thought when the matt this happened to you, but i feel so lost." im not making it easy for him. everytime he would say he messed up when we were talking on the phone i said "i know you did. you fucked up bad." i didn't make it easy. and im not going to. if he caught me doing this kind of shit, he'd be down my throat furious with me.

im so lost right now. i dont even have the word to describe how i feel about it..