I thought about my dad today. I dunno why. I wondered what Christmas would be like if he were here. What would we be doing to get ready for Christmas...What would I get him? I wonder what he's doing for Christmas though. I wonder if he ever thinks about me. Gosh, if I could have one wish I would wish to spend Christmas day with him. I don't even know the man, but somehow, I feel like it would be very special. I can't even fathom what having a dad must be like. To even think about having a dad living with me is...awkward. I wonder who I would be. I know this is going to sound so cliche but sometimes I feel like something is missing from me because of him. Would I be different? Would I be more like him than my mom? Is it weird that I never have angry feelings toward him? They are more sad. I asked my mom if he ever looked for me or would he? And she said "No, he wouldn't bother." That literally tore my heart into. Even thinking about it now makes me cry. It wouldn't bother me as bad if a friend didn't care to find me...but my dad? My own dad. The man that assisted in putting me in this world. Mama says I have his eyes. And his ears. And his rhthym. He doesn't even care to know who I am. Even if he doesn't care, I do. When I'm 18, I plan on trying to find him. I don't know how, but I long to meet him. To see his face. I want him to see me. And to know me. I don't care to bitch at him about how he hurt me. I want him to hug me and mean it. And you know what would be awesome? To hear an "I love you". That would mean more than anything I could ever get from anyone else. -sigh- It's just another Christmas without him. I guess I can make it through this one just like all the others...I just wish he cared. almanicole