Screw the last post i made. Everytime i think i feel sorry for him and don't know what to do, he tells me what to do by how much of a dumbass he is. I texted him Thursday because for some odd reason i felt like he needed me? Well, he was like "Whats up?" I said "not much, wby?" He was like "Snowed in!" And i was like "Yeah, me too." He was like "I got in a fight last night." I said "why?" He called me and was like really sarcastically "Yeaaah, I was with Anne last night [like i know who that is] and i left my phone at the movies and this guy thought it'd be funny to text pictures to people. And when i found him i beat the shit out of him." And Iwas like "Were they my pictures?" Cuz he had ones of me naked on there. And he was like "Uhm...no, i deleted those a long time ago.." I was like "Oh...okay.." And he was like "Yeah, but im fixing to get showered up cuz im spending the day with Anne." I was like "Alright, and i hung up on him." I dunno, sometimes i go out of my way to cut the tension but he just is so rude.

Anyways, i was irritable with josh all day today :[ i didnt mean to be, but like i was getting annoyed with this little stuff. I dunno..I think maybe it was work. Work annoyed the shit out of me and it was so long and slow and boring. Gah. But i saw Dear John tonight. Me and Josh met Katie up there. It was good to see her again.

I feel really insecure. Like, i know i'm the only girl josh wants. I mean, hes not a player. He doesnt flirt with other girls and he only looks at me, ya know ? But like, i am insecure...I think it was fine at first cuz i wasnt sure about everything so i felt like i was in control and had control over everything. But now, im really liking him and now im scared. Like really scared that i'm gonna get hurt. I know thats super dumb. But im afraid he's going to change just like TC did and all of this sweet stuff is just a show. I feel like i'm going to lose him somehow. I'm afraid i'm not good enough. I dunno. I can already feel myself putting up this huge wall against him. I wish i could describe just how afraid i am of this relationship now. It makes me want to cry. I feel so out of control and like im afraid to depend on him to see how insecure i am or show him how i really feel so im pushing him away. I do not know how to handle this. He can tell something is wrong. From the moment he picked me up he was asking "Whats wrong?" All night too. :[ I wish there was a book of answers. Sometimes they're easy to find, but when you need them really bad, they're never thereee.

I'm gonna go to bed and fall asleep to my iPod tonight. I think some music and a night to myself will do me some good and help me clear my thoughts out.

G'night.