So, last night I went to bed and got my iPod and was listening to it when I just started crying. Out of no where, and I don't know why really. I layed in my bed for like an hour or two just thinking. I wasn't even tired. In Casting Crowns' song Does Anybody Hear Her, it says "She's two years older and three more steps behind". That's where I feel like I am. Sometimes I wish I could go back a few years ago, when I was really on fire for God, and everything was perfect. I look back on those two years and I don't know what happened. I don't know where I messed up. Even just a year ago, Jesus was my best friend. I think I just got messed up with a bad crowd when we switched churches. With the whole Chris thing, and all those kids who were on top of everything. Did I want to be like them or something? Is that what happened? My desire to fit in with them? When we first went to that church, people looked up to me because I was so "godly", and now? I bet they're sitting there thinking "Pssh, you're just like us". It's true though. I'm no different than them..with my language..my music..I'm no different. This morning, I set my iPod to wake me up at like 10:22. I got up and got dressed and walked down to the park and got on the swings. The day is so dreary and it fits my mood perfectly. It's like, I need someone to talk to, but I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want people to know my weakness. And honestly, I can tell you that's my downfall. So many people think I'm strong, but I'm not. And letting down my guard and saying "I need help" just seems scary to me. Will they laugh at me? Because they know I'm weak? I don't know if my mom knows anything, but when she leaves for work in the morning, she leaves me a note and today it said "Just want to remind you if you ever need to, or just want to talk, my 'office' is always open. I miss us. I love you till a day past forever." I don't know how moms do that kinda stuff. Knowing everything. It seems like my mom and I don't ever talk anymore. I'm always sitting here on the computer. We hardly ever talk. And if we do we just fight about stuff. Gah, you don't know how badly I wish I could take back everything. I'm at a total loss. I wanna do right, but I don't know how. .:*Where is the life, that I used to feel? And the love was real burning deep inside*:.