So much has gone on and I've got so much on my mind I need to just get out in the open. First off : Shane and Ben. They were good friends and got in a car crash and they both died. They died on Friday and like it just now hit me both of them are..dead. Never to be back again. And I've been so bummed today. Everyone has. The entire GL population has like bonded together and it's an awesome feeling, but it's still so sad. All the Kerwin kids don't even get it. After 4th period, me, Sarah, Hannah, Tilicia, and Maggie was just sitting in the classroom talking, and we just almost cried talking about it and stuff. And during freetime I usually sit with Zach, but today I couldn't. I needed to be with my friends. I mean, some good has come out of it, for instance Dereck Anders got saved, and best yet, Eric got saved. Hearing that was such a blessing. Like, just knowing Eric all these years and seeing him, everyone could tell he was hardened to God, and him getting saved is amazing. Mama and I were crying after school over it. Everything just seems so unreal. I can't believe Shane and Ben are really gone. -Sigh- Today, Sarah and me were talking she was saying how much she cared about me, but she didn't really like me dating Zach. Mainly because I let him be my first kiss, and last year I didn't want to kiss until my wedding day. She's kinda upset because she thinks Zach took that away, even though I let him. I dunno, I was like "Well, I really like Zach, Sarah, and so, I dunno what to say" And everyone is like "You're going to regret losing your first kiss, like no more virgin lips" I dunno, I'm fine with it, I still love Zach the same way I did before...It's a weird thing.. Anyways, I think this whole wreck thing has opened my eyes a little. A lot to God too. Like, I feel like I'm at a really low point. I'm upset about Shane and Ben, and everyone is going to God about it, and I'm coping with it by myself. I don't want that anymore. I feel like I have a desire for something more than myself. Life is really so much darker and harder when all you can count on is yourself. I'm tired of putting God second, and I think I want him to be first. I want something more than just this world. Something I can really believe and put my trust in. I need Him I realize that. I just got done talking to Sarah, and I was like "You know, I think I really wanna get right...I just don't know how" And I really don't. I'm not going to do it all at once. Maybe I'll make a list of things I want to do for God, or know I should be doing, and take it one at a time. For instance 1.) Devotions 2.) Praying 3.) No cussing And stuff like that, and other stuff too, but take it one at a time, so I don't get defeated like I usually do. Maybe that's why all those other times I "got right" with God I failed so quickly because I was defeated because I couldn't do it all. More than anything, if this works, I wanna do it right. I wanna be firm in my decisions and I wanna be totally open to God. Sarah's really gonna be a help. Everything me and her talk about, like I always keep it in my mind and never forget it. She's seriously my bestfriend and like a really big encouragement. Especially now. I wanna be like her. Anyways....I think tonight, I'm gonna talk to God. I'll tell you about it later okay? ♥